You've Got Fanmail!
by Melda Burke
Summary: In which the Fellowship must deal with that horror of all horrors...fanmail..and its associated crazed Mary-Sues. Chaos ensues for them all with only the help of a simple postmistress who also happens to be conveniently and hilariously out of her mind.
1. Fanmail and the Chaos it causes!

AN3/

None of the characters are mine,no money shall ever be made off of this. The only thing that I lay claim to is the plot.

Aragorn sat beside Arwen in the throne room. Gimli, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, and Boromir were seated in the middle of the grand room at a table. Each had a glum, long-suffering expression on their faces as they held up letters written to them by their energetic fans.

Frodo groaned and thumped his head down on the table. "This one's proposing marriage!" The poor Hobbit was patted sympathetically by Sam and Merry.

Legolas snorted. "You think that's bad?" He showed them a letter written on pink paper decorated with roses and scented to boot. "This girl called me Leggie!" He fumed. "My name is Legolas!I am a prince and I shall be treated with respect!"

Gandalf shook his head. "Can you believe that there are some who have a crush on me?" He sighed, stroking his beard. "It's rather flattering, but I'm too old for that kind of thing. Besides, I am a wandering wizard. I'd have no time for romance of any sort."

"Alas," Boromir lamented. "Fanmail is a neccessary evil."

Just then, the group heard the great doors open. There stood Marie. She was struggling with a huge, white bag full of letters and presents sent by fans. She panted, stopped for a moment, then resumed her relentless tugging.

"I'll give you a hand." Gimli volunteered a bit sadly. "I don't have that many fanletters to read."

"You should be happy, Gimli." Scolded Aragorn with a grin. "Do you know how many young women have demanded that I divorce Arwen and marry them?"

"Too many to count." Arwen said unhappily. "Why can't they just be happy for our love and not force themselves upon my husband?"

Gimli hefted part of the bag on his shoulder, while Marie carried the other part on hers. They were both relieved to set it down by the table. Marie pulled up a chair and flopped down into it, exhasted from lugging the mail all the way from The Real World.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." She told them grimly. "Even if fanmail is a pain in the behind, people do really love you guys. Some of these may actually be worth reading. A few people are just writing to tell you all kudos on destroying the One Ring and defeating Sauron..." She eyed Borormir. "Or sacrificing yourself for the greater good."

Sam looked on with disgust at the pile of letters. "That doesn't excuse all the visits from-"

He was interrupted as the doors were once more flung open. An amazingly beautiful woman with startling purple eyes strode confidently into the room. Her hair was brown with streaks of blue because she was of a race of blue/brown haired Elves that had lived in secret for millenia. When she opened her mouth to speak, her blindingly perfect teeth shone with an aura worthy of the sun. "I am Xyxia, Princess of Sueland. I have come to woo the handsome Legolas!" Her voice was like ringing bells or the song of birds.

Marie glared at her and rubbed her temples. "I despise the Sues as well."


	2. The Sword and the Sue

Not mine. No money. Ever. The plot is the only thing I own.

Legolas cast an alarmed look at the newest Sue to storm the halls of his friend and host. Marie sighed and got up. "I'll take care of this one." She went to the wall where a very special sword was kept.

It lay on a bit of velvet cloth, it's blade shone with a rainbow of colors and it's hilt was decorated with Elvish script. "The Sword of Sue Slaying." She announced to Xyxia. "Prepare to be slayed." She raised the sword and made to bring it down upon the Sue.

"WAIT!" Cried the crying Sue. "Don't do it! Please!" She pleaded, crying tears of silver and gold. "All I want is Leggy-weggy-cutsie-poo's enternal love simply for being perfect in every single way!"

Marie was not the only one who grimaced at 'Leggy-weggy-cutsie-poo'. Gagging sounds were coming from the Elf and heavy frowns creased the faces of the rest of the Fellowship. "I'm afraid that you're the worst Sue that we've encountered so far, miss Xyxia. So you must be destroyed!" Replied Marie solumnly.

The Sue continued to grovel and gripe, but it fell on deaf ears, for the sword came down and touched her head. At the contact, a blindingly white light came flashed and left spots in the vision of the members of the Fellowship.

Standing in front of them now was a girl. She no longer had purple eyes, just plain brown ones with long lashes. Her hair had darkened into a mousey color and she was downsized. Her body was no longer perfectly slim, but slightly plump. She wore a confused, but grateful expression."Thank you." She said blankly before disappearing entirely.

"Whew.." Marie set down the Sword of Sue Slaying into its proper place. She wiped her brow. "That must be the 200th Sue I've made into a Realistic Being this week. What's with all the Sues showing up." She took a seat beside Gimli. "I mean, there've always been a lot of them, but this is ridiculous!"

Gandalf stood, his chair squeaking on the stone floor. He walked over to where the Sue had formerly been and inspected it. "This one was especially strong in her Sue-ishness." He concluded from the scorch mark she'd left. "She refused to change without a fight."

"They're getting stronger?" Asked Boromir fearfully. "What if they start going after me? Just because I died doesn't mean I'm completely free from this type of humiliation!"

"Hmmm." Gandalf straightened up. "Perhaps we should look into this. Sues can be quite dangerous when they're intent on getting their object of desire. Many have powers beyond extrodinary, sickening beauty."

"Like their tendancy to cut out the Canon and insert themselves into the plot? Hundreds have tried to butt ~owyn out of the picture and destroy the Witch-King themselves and thereby win the heart of their obsession." Stated Aragorn bluntly. "I almost pity her. She has to fight them on a hourly basis."

Pippin suddenly shrieked and jumped up onto the table. They others, shocked, stared at him as if he'd gone mad. He pointed out the window. "We're under attack!" He screamed.

A thunderbolt struck the castle, making it shake. Marie looked to the heavens and mouthed 'Why?', then ground her teeth. "Elemental-Sue." She growled.

Aragorn rushed to the window, Arwen at his side. "We're surrounded!" He whispered to them in a deadly calm voice.

Reviews are made of sugar and spice and everything nice...  
flames are made of lizards, snails, and puppy-dog tails.


	3. Surrounded by Sues

Nothing is mine except the plot! No money is made off of this fic.

"What do you mean we're surrounded?" Merry asked, dread in his voice. "You can't mean by the Sues?" He fell to his knees and clasped his hands together. "Please let it be Orks. Please let it be Uruk-Hai. Please let it be Sauron. Just please something...anything..but the evil Sues!" He begged.

Marie grabbed the Sword of Sue Slaying and held it high. "We're going to need more than one of those to fight our way out of this mess." Aragorn said glumly as he sank dejectedly back into his throne.

Marie frowned and crouched in front of the door. "Doesn't mean we can't try!" She told them fiercely. Gimli took up a stance beside her.

"If you're going to fight,lass, then I am too." He said firmly, holding his axe tightly in both hands. "Even if it means we go down."

"There may be a way we can escape this mostly unscathed." Gandalf announced suddenly to the surprise of all. They turned and gave him their full attention. He paced across the room, thinking hard as he walked. "We could open up a portal to another of the Universes and dwell there until we find a way to diminish this menace before it takes over Middle-Earth entirely!"

Boromir shook his head. "Of course," He said humorlously. "Where one of the greatest evils Middle-Earth has ever seen had failed..." He gestured towards the window. "A couple thousand obscenely perfect women will succeed."

"Not if I have anything to say about that." Vowed Aragorn. "We've withstood thousands of Orks and badly placed odds..remember Helm's Deep?" They nodded, their hopes rising a bit. Now the odds didn't seem so harsh. "We can do this!"

"Yes we can!" Agreed Marie with a small smile.

Aragorn began a chant. "Can we do this?" He yelled at the Fellowship.

"Yes we can!" They yelled in reply.

"I can't hear you! CAN WE DO THIS?" He asked, screaming at the top of his voice.

"YES WE CAN!" They shouted and cheered, enheartened by their leader's confidence. Satisfied, he sat back down while Gandalf continued to pace in an aggitated way up and down the length of the room. His staff clicked against the stones as he walked. Click, Click, Click.

"Well?" Asked Marie. She left her position at the doors and moved to the window to watch the advancing Sue-Army. "Could we do this portal thingy sometime today? I don't feel like dealing with anymore Sues. My mind can't handle the strain." She rubbed the side of her head to prove her point. "Ow, ow, ow." She complained. "I shall go insane from TumuchSueitis."

"I promise to compose a lament for your mind." Quipped Legolas


	4. A Leap of Faith and a few hops

A Leap of Faith (and a few hops)

*super heavy sigh* Nothing belongs to me *Tiny Tear*. I've decided that rather than trying to abduct Gimli, I'd prefer to observe him in his natural environment.

Anyway, I don't make money off of this.

-

The members of the Fellowship and their postmaster Marie stood back to back in a circle in the middle of the floor. Gandalf was in the center of their circle and working on their escape plan.

The Sues, meanwhile, had made it past the outer wall and stormed the guards in such numbers that the poor men were overpowered. Now they were pounding on the doors and windows with such force that it was shaking the whole fortress to its stone foundations much in the same way the Ents had pounded at Isengard. And eventually, this had to turn out the same way.

They screeched at the ten people inside, making a noise that would have the destroyed a person's eardrums if they were outside with the terrible, perfect women. "LET US IN, LET US IN!" They chanted.

"NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINNY-CHIN-CHIN!" Bellowed Gimli. Then he muttered to Aragorn. "If they start trying to slide down the chimney, I suggest we put a pot of boiling water in the fireplace."

"I *do* know an excellent recipe for Sue-and-Stu Stew." Marie said dreamily with a menacing look in her green eyes. She turned to Arwen. "Do you happen to have any carrots?" She asked sweetly.

"And mushrooms! Don't forget the mushrooms!" Pippin said to Marie. "Can't have a proper stew without mushrooms." Marie nodded with a conspiritorial smirk.

Arwen chuckled. "I'm afraid you will have to put off your cannibalistic urges until later, my dear friends." She glanced at the weary wizard behind her. "It seems that Gandalf has successfully managed to construct a portal to an AC."

"AC?" Asked Marie. "Why would he want to put us all in a giant Air Conditioner?"

This earned her a stare from all of those around her. She shrugged. Gandalf stifled a smile. "Not an AC as in an Air Conditioner, Marie. An AC as in an Alternate Canon." He explained patiently.

"That makes a whole lot more sense." She replied. "It would've been really cramped in an Air Conditioner anyway."

Gandalf's eyes twinkled as he stepped aside to reveal a glowing, revolving, octagonal hole in the ground. It swirled with purple and brown and a strange jingle was issueing from it.

*Dah-duh-dah-dah, Dah-duh-dah-dah  
Dah-Duh-dah-dah-dah-dah  
Dah-duh-dah-dah, Dah-duh-dah-dah  
Dah-duh-dah-dah-dah-dah*

"Hmmm.."Aragorn bent over it. "Any idea where it leads?"

Gandalf shook his head. "No, I'm afraid." He brightened. "But that's a really catchy tune and nothing bad ever happens in a place where there are really catchy tunes!"

Aragorn stepped in front of the wizard. "Still, I believe I should go first...just in case." So he walked back a few steps and then, with a running start, hopped into the portal. The swirling octagon swallowed him up like a kid eating ice cream.

One by one, they followed him in until only Gimli and Marie were left. Marie regarded the portal warily, but was persuaded to go when she heard the wood of the door behind them begin to splinter under the force of the Sues attack. So she pinched her nose and plunged in. "Geronimo!" She yelled as the portal gulped her down.

Gimli glared at the doors and glanced between the portal and the Sues. He was tempted to stand and fight to the end. Sorely tempted. But, he gazed at the swirly colors. "I can't abandon the lass." He said to himself as he stepped into it.  
-

AN3

*Hint

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,  
The amazing chocolatier,  
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka...


	5. Uhh,We're Not In MiddleEarth Anymore

AN3/

Strange...I sense a disturbance in the force..is that me staking claim on Tolkien's work?

Nope. That's just my brother's socks growing mold under his bed. *Shudder* No wonder there was a disturbance.

If you haven't guessed already, I don't own anything that the genius otherwise known as Tolkien created and neither do I own 's book or 's movie.

Nor do I own Johnny Depp.

I think I've covered all the basics except for the fact that I don't make any money whatsoever off of this.

Marie awoke to see a strange man leaning over her. He was as pale as a ghost and had lavender eyes. She groaned. "No..please..not another Sue!" The man's face disappeared.

"This one's awake, ." His voice, while distinctly male, was quite high.

A motherly-looking woman came into view. Her care-worn face smiled down at her with warmth and kindness. "Hello, dear."

"Yohla." Marie greeted back groggily.

"Yohla?" seemed confused. "Are you spanish?"

Marie smiled, she loved explaining the words she made up. "Nope, it's a mixture of 'hola' and 'yo'."

"Perfect street talk." Commented the man, coming back into sight beside the woman. He smiled and his teeth were perfect.

Marie scrambled back weakly. "A Stu!" She glanced at the woman. "Get back! He'll try to seduce you!"

The man and the woman he'd called raised eyebrows at each other. The man shuddered, and made a disgusted sound. "Uhhh..missy, that would be a total yuck-fest. I would never, ever seduce my heir's mom." He shuddered again. "Ew. Just Ew."

"Huh?" She stared at him, dazed. Then crossed her arms and stuck out her chin. "Well, if you're not a Stu, then what is your name?"

The man grinned proudly and tipped his top-hat. "Willy Wonka!" He smiled at her expectantly, obviously thinking that she was supposed to know the name.

"Who?"

wilted. "You know..the amazing chocolatier?" She still was confused, so he started to sing.

"Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,  
The amazing chocolatier,  
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,  
Everybody give a cheer!-"

Marie sat up straight. "That's the catchy tune!" She pointed at him. "You're a canon!" She sounded excited.

frowned a bit. "Of course I am, you little silly. Why wouldn't I be a canon?"

"Then the Sues haven't gotten here yet!" Said Marie, more than a little relieved. "Thank goodness."

Willy peered at the girl. Why was she here in his factory? He glanced around the Puppet Hospital and Burn Center. There were nine others, dressed in weird, outdated things made of metal and leather. However, she was dressed in a pair of studded jeans and a plain T-shirt. All of them had just popped into his Chocolate Room late at night and the Buckets had discovered all of them floating unconcious in the chocolate river. He was still annoyed about that."What are Sues?" He asked suspiciously.

"Sues are evil characters made up by Fangirls to woo the canon character that they are in lust with. They're made of hormones and usually go away fairly easily if they're touched by the Sword of Sue Slaying or if the object they were made to woo ignores them." She said gravely. " But if they aren't stopped...their powers spread from one Alternate Canon to another and eventually they will rule all of the Universes!"

"Oh my!" Exclaimed . "What do they look like?"

"Some of them have powers, some of them have hair that is streaked with colors like purple, green, blue or red. But all of them are beautiful beyond compare...it's sickening to look at them. That's how pretty they are." Then she added. "And they're perfect. They can do no wrong."

"Could they come here?" Asked .

"It is a distinct possiblity." Admitted Marie. "They've already invaded Middle-Eath."

"Who would these Sues be after in this Alternate Canon?" Asked Willy, looking worried. He couldn't have his heir corrupted by a Sue!

Marie inspected him intently, then gave him a look of pity. "You're very handsome, you know...lots of fangirls go for handsome..."

He scared the birds off of the top of the factory with his screams.


	6. Hey, Has Anyone Seen Gandalf?

*Pouting* Even Johnny Depp has refused to come to me! *Tiny tear*...sad day :(

Well, I guess nothing belongs to me. At all. Sorry. Nada. Zip. Zilch.  
Same goes for money.  
-

One by one, the members of the Fellowship were begining to awaken. Gimli was the first to regain conciousness, as he had been tended to by Marie first. Then after he was up and stiffly walking about, she helped to wake Aragorn, Arwen, Boromir, Frodo, Merry, Sam, Pippin, and Legolas.

There was only one problem.

"Where in Eru's Middle-Earth is Gandalf?" Asked a bewildered Aragorn. He was the only one who had so far noticed the wizard's distinct absence.

"Who's Gandalf?" Willy asked, appearing next to the rugged Ranger. Aragorn stared at the strange man, unable to form a coherent sentance. The chocolatier was indeed a strange sight, even for the modern standards. So it would be easy to imagine how strange and foreign he looked to someone who was used to leather jerkins and chain mail.

Marie stepped up to the plate, not wanting Willy to be put off by Aragorn's obvious shock. "He's our wizard." She explained. "He's really tall and wears a long white robe. He's.." She blushed, feeling as if she were insulting the powerful Maia. "Well..he's kinda old.. and has long white hair and a beard."

"Ahhhh..." Willy said with a massive grin. "I get the feeling that in your Canon that the word Wizard means more than parlor tricks." She nodded and smiled even wider. Then he made the weirdest noise she'd ever heard in her life, it sounded like lalalala, but she wasn't quite sure.

Into the room came a group of three miniscule men. They were all dressed in different colored body-suits, but each had a gold, swirly 'W' on their chests. All three of them did an arm-to-shoulder clasp and bowed. Willy responded in turn, then stood aside for introductions.

"There are Hobbits in this Canon!" Pippen said happily.

Willy frowned. "Uhhhh..no. These are Oompa-Loompas." The men bowed again. "From Loompaland. I rescued them from the horrible conditions there and allow them to work here for their room and board."

"That's very noble of you." Commented Legolas approvingly.

"Thank you." Willy stood up a bit taller and straightened his violet waistcoat. "Now, I must tell you their names." he gestured to the first, who was in a red body-suit. "This is Mikhi, he works in the Chocolate Room." The second came forward, this one dressed in yellow. "This is Javin. He busies himself in the Nut Room." Finally, the third was dressed in white. "And this is Ward. The TV Room is his speciality." All of them bowed once more, then awaited his instructions. "Now, our guests are missing one of their friends." He told them in a very serious voice. "I want you to search all the rooms in the factory. Make sure that he hasn't turned up somewhere dangerous." The three nodded and exited.

Willy clapped his hands together. "Now..while they're busy looking, would you all enjoy a tour?" He inquired enthusiastically.

"You mean of the factory? That would be spectaculous!" Marie jumped up and down ecstatically, her energy having returned after it had been sucked out by the journey there.

Willy smiled widely at her. "Spectaculous? Is that a combination of-"

"Spectaculer and fabulous, yes." Answered Marie with a grin of her own. "I love to make up words. *So* much easier and funner than using the usual ones, right?"

He giggled. "Yeah!" He swung his candy-filled cane in a circle and pointed at a pair of closed elevator doors. "We'll be taking the Glass Elevator. It's a whole lot faster than the stairs."

He led the confused Fellowship (and Marie) over to the doors and pressed a button. The doors slid open with a ding to reveal the most unusual sight.

Its walls were transparent and very thick. One side was full of hundreds of tiny buttons wth labels under each one. Willy ushered them all in, and with one small wave at , pushed the button that read 'Chocolate Room'.

To the surprise and dismay of the Middle-Earthians, the elevator jerked sideways. This lead to one very irate Dwarf shouting at Boromir to get his 'rotten arse out of his face'. Boromir responded in kind by using Gimli's beard as a stabilizer as they suddenly began to lose altitude.

"My poor beard!" Shouted Gimli as he glared at the Gondorian. "My poor, abused beard." He complained. "I'll get you for that, you young rascal." He threatened. Unfortunately, he'd left his axe back in the Puppet Hospital and therefore had nothing to back his words up. So he was reduced to tripping the bigger Man up when they slammed to a halt. Boromir glared and Gimli chuckled. "Sometimes being short is to your advantage." He whispered to Marie, who was the only one who was within inches of his own heighth and not of the Hobbit persuasion.

"Son of rotten Snozzberry!" She cursed lightly with an accusatory glance at the innocently giggling chocolatier. "That was a wild ride."

Willy stared at her for a moment."That's really good. Do you mind if I use it?"He asked between his giggles.

"Go ahead."

"Oh, and Marie?" He smiled, his laughing fit ceased. "It gets a lot wilder from here on out." He said as he took out a giant keyring and inserted into the door.

AN3/

Did anyone catch my very corny joke?

If you did, tell me.

If you didn't, I'll tell you what it was in the next chapter.


	7. Within the Chocolate Room

AN3/

Okay, before I get the disclaimer out of the way. I'm going to let of those who didn't get the incredibly corny joke I made in the last chapter.

Anyone who has watched the original Willy Wonka movie knows that Gene Wilder played as Wonka. So when Willy says his line at the end of the last chapter, it's just a shout out to one of my fave actors.

So...nothing is mine. No money. There. Everything is taken care of. Shall we boogie?

When the door opened, Marie thought she'd entered a utopia of some sort. A dreamland. "Lorien." She heard Legolas breathe in an awed voice.

"It's beautiful." She gasped, her eyes wide with amazement. "All the colors."

The Chocolate Room was indeed filled with color. Large candy trees with fruits of swirled colors stood in groves and bushes with edible daffodile teacups decorated the landscape. And in the midst of it all..

"A chocolate waterfall!" She announced. "That's..that's.."

"Do you like it?" Asked Willy, an indulgent look in his eyes.

"Do I like it?" She echoed. "It's the most wonderful thing..I mean, there just aren't words!"

"Thanks." He said proudly. "And you know it's all eatable." He informed them with a wave of his magnificent cane and a mischievious grin. "Even I'm eatable. But that is called cannibalism, my dear guests, and is frowned upon in most societies." Marie chuckled, while the others just stared warily at him.

He led them over a bridge and to the Chocolate River. "This is where the Buckets found you." He said with disappointment and strain showing in his voice. "Though, you all had ruined a whole batch of chocolate by the time we fished you out."

"Sorry." Marie said. "We didn't really have much choice as to where we would land."

Willy nodded. "Just take care not to fall in again." He advised with concern.

Kay, peoplz. Reviews make me smile wider than the Chessire Cat!

Flames make me frown more than Severus Snape on a bad day.


	8. An Incident One Would Prefer to Forget

AN3/ I'm on a LotR high. Just watched all three movies in a row two times. It was hypnotic! Gimli *swoon*...sorry. Fangirl moment.

Anyway, on to the disclaimer!  
I do not own in any way, shape, or form the awesomocity that is Professor Tolkien's work of genius. Also I don't own 's masterpiece.  
-

Willy opened his arms wide. "Before we continue our tour, I would like you all to take the time to appreciate my Chocolate Room." He plucked a leaf from a nearby tree and popped it into his mouth. "Anything you'd like to try, try it!" He encouraged.

Marie wandered over to a candy apple tree and retrieved one from the lowest branch. The Hobbits (of course!) went immediatly to the mushrooms.

"Hurry, Pippin!" Merry said through a mouthful of cream. "It's strawberry-flavored!" Pippin was not that far behind his cousin when he heard that.

Marie laughed as she watched the two enthusiastically gulped down a mushroom that was bigger than they were. "Having fun, lass?" A gruff, familiar voice asked from behind her.

Gimli sat himself down on a bit of rock-candy. He watched her as a warm smile lit her face when she realized it was him. For some reason, that caused his heart to swell inside his chest. "Hey!" She held up her apple. "These things are really good, would you like some?"

He nodded and took the fruit from her. One bite tasted sweet as his first taste of lembas. "Now take another, it tastes different each time!" She told him. The second time was savory, a slight tang of cinnimon.

"What kind of magic is this?" He examined the apple, which, while it looked like just an ordinary Red Delicious, was actually hiding all kinds of secrets beneath that seemingly innocent scarlet skin. She shrugged and grabbed another one.

"I have no idea, but I say that Wonka is a genius!"

"Thank you!" They both jumped, the chocolatier had appeared once again out of thin air. He held his hat in one hand and his cane in the other. His hair, which had been partially concealed by his hat, was cut in a bob.

Marie stared, transfixed. "Wow. Awesome haircut!"

grinned. "Yours is pretty, too. It sticks out everywhere, but.." He leaned down closer. "It still manages to frame your face."

Marie blushed, while Gimli stared grumpily at the ground to keep himself from acting very foolishly and telling the intruder to go away, Dwarf-style. Which usually includes a lot of footstamping, shouting, and head-butting in the stomach area.

Fortunately, the man's attention was called away from the two of them by a pair of rapidly gesturing Oompa-Loompas. Gimli stopped a sigh of relief in its tracks and settled with a smile in Marie's direction.

She didn't notice him staring. She was busy off in her own little world, probably coming up with more ideas for the book she was writing. She'd long ago confided in him and the rest of the Fellowship of her love of writing and reading. 'They're my passions.' He remembered how she'd sighed and caressed the book in front of her gently.

That was how he'd gotten the idea. It was soon to be her birthday and he'd planned out her present perfectly. It was almost done, all that it needed was a lock and it would be finished.

"Marie?" Gimli cursed violently inside his head, using all the most vehmenent curses he knew. It was the intruder.

"Fez.." Sighed Marie.

This threw off Willy. "Umm..." He said uncertainly. "Is she okay?" Gimli smirked and nodded.

"I'm fine, thank you." She said to them both as she stood. "What's up?"

Willy tapped a finger against the head of his cane. "We've found your friend-"

"Really? That's great!"

Willy nodded numbly and laughed nervously. "But there's..well.." He glanced back at the Oompa-Loompas, looking desperate. "There's a bit of a problem."

"Problem?" Asked Legolas as he jumped down from the uppermost branches of one of the candy apple trees. "What kind of problem? Is Mithrandir in danger?"

"Well, ahh, no.." He fiddled with the brim of his hat. "I guess it'll be easier to show you." He waved them all back into the elevator.

"Not this thing again." Groaned Boromir.

"You'll get used to it." Promised Willy as he pressed a button that was titled 'Cotton-Candy'.

One stomach-churning, extremely twisty ride later they arrived at what could only be described as one heck of an amazing room.

Pink sheep were lined up in a row and were being sheared by pairs of Oompa-Loompas. However, apart from all the pink sat a lone figure in white.

"Gandalf?" All of the Fellowship exclaimed in shock. Not because they'd found him, but because of a very surprising, somewhat humiliating fact.

Somehow, the wizard's entire beard had been sheared off his face. And he was sadly clutching something that resembled a limp rabbit in his hands..it was the remains of his once grand beard.

AN3/

Roses are red, violets are blue..reviews are sweet and so are you!


	9. Off to the Mine My Mine, Mine!

Nothing is mine!

(well, 'cept the plot, anywhosenwoggle *yes, you read that right, it really does say anywhosenwoggle.

-

"They cut it off.." Moaned the wizard as he stroked what was left of his beard. "They cut it all off." The poor Istari seemed to be truly tramatized. He began to rock back and forth.

Gimli glared at the Oompa-Loompas suspiciously and stepped back from them in order to protect his own precious facial hair from being forcefully removed.

"What happened?" Demanded Aragorn.

Willy drew in a deep breath. "Well, it seems that while you all dropped into my Chocolate River, he seems to have accidently fallen in with the sheep and, therefore, has gotten shaved."

Marie patted Gimli on his stout shoulder. "Don't worry, nobody's after you brilliantly braided beard." She assured him.

The Dwarf smirked. She'd just called his beard 'brilliantly braided'. For a Dwarf, that was a compliment of the highest degree. And what was better was that the intruder didn't even have a goatee. Gimli resisted the urge to snort. The man probably couldn't even manage a five o'clock shadow!

"Couldn't you grow it back, Gandalf?" She asked out of concern for his mental health.

Gandalf's condition improved instantly. "Yes!" He embraced her. "What an amazingly intelligent thought, Marie!" And, within a few seconds, he had come into possession of a brand-new beard. He tossed aside the old, which Willy stepped away from as if it were a hot coal and hurridly asked his workers to take care of it.

So, with everyone secured, they all piled back into the Great Glass Elevator and continued the tour with the magnificent, marvelous, mad, mad, mad, Wonka.

They coasted to the top of the rails, then began spiralling downwards at an alarming pace. Everyone clutched at everyone else. The Hobbits were clumped together in a huge dog-pile. Arwen was clinging frightened to Aragorn, who had a firm hold on Boromir's shoulder, who was decidedly attached to Marie (he'd learned his lesson with Gimli), who was leaning heavily on Gimli's shoulder.

Not that the Dwarf was complaining. He had a kind of truimphant air about him that made one wonder if he was-

"Here we are!"Chimed Willy. "This is the Rock Candy Mine!"

Gimli beamed. "Finally, something I know about. A mine!"

All of them manuevered out as best as they could, but still ended up falling in a giant heap on the floor of the mine.

"This is where I extract all of my finest Rock-candy." Bragged Willy. "As you go back farther and farther, the flavors change and some become more complex in their taste." He picked up a ruby-like stone from the ground. "This, my friends, is concentrated Cherry Rock-candy." He bent over and picked up a green one. "This is Lime." He put them both in the same hand. "Now, the cool thing is, that when you apply pressure like so.." He squeezed his hands together tightly. "It comes out like this." He proudly held up a small, green and red stone. "It becomes two flavors at once without mixing!"

"That is.." She paused, stuck. "That's so awesome I'm going to have to make up a word for it."

Just as Willy was about to reply, a small Beedeep-Beedeep was heard coming from the area of his wrist. "Hmmm.." His eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "That's funny, usually that's reserved for emergencies."

Then every single person, be they of Middle-Earth or nay, had a disparaging thought. "Oh no..." Willy began, horrified.

"Flying Flibbertygibbits." Shouted Marie with a furious expression.

"What are those?" Asked Willy with interest.

"I have no idea." She said darkly as she strode back to the Elevator, the rest of them not far behind.

AN3/

Until next time, my loyal reviewers and readers..parting is such sweet sorrow.

*Also, more lines to be quoted from multiple Shakespearian masterpieces. Which I do *not* own.


	10. Return of the Sues

AN3/

Nothing is mine. Woe is me! *Bawling eyes out*

-

The Elevator sped up to the Puppet Hospital and Burn Center. They were surprised and horrified to find that the room had been invaded.

Poor was surrounded by Stus attempting to coerce her into cheating on and leaving . "Help me!" She screamed as she jerked the edge of her plain dress out of the hands of a spiky-haired Emo-Stu.

Marie jumped out and aided her, wielding the Sword of Sue Slaying. She wasn't an expert in the fine details of handling a sword, but she certainly knew how to swing it around in a circle to keep the Sues at bay! Many were the Stus and Sues that she changed, but the overwhelming tide just kept coming!

"Marie!" Shouted Gimli as he worked his way out of the cramped Elevator. He eyed a Stu that was creeping up behind her. "Oh no you don't!" He growled, grabbing his axe from its place by his former cot and lobbing it at the Stu. He glanced over his shoulder. "Well, what are you all waiting for?" He barked. "Help her!"

Wonka beat at the Stus with his cane while fending off two Sues. Legolas had the largest amount of Sues to fight, he was taking on six or seven at a time. Aragorn had almost as many, some of them were even trying to engage Arwen in a fight, but were finding out that she wasn't as delicate as they'd assumed.

Marie forced her way to and led her away, the Sues were held off in their assault by a very p. Dwarf. Marie grabbed his shoulder and they fled into the Elevator. The others followed behind soon after and they were all packed into it.

Willy tried to make himself as small as possible, in order to not be touched accidently by anyone. He was breathing hard and had a weird expression on his face that gave one the feeling that he might just be losing his mind. His eyes were wide and panicked. "That was worse than you described." He croaked.

Marie's eyes landed on Gimli as the elevator twisted and jerked. The Dwarf had saved her and she needed to thank him. By some miracle, she was able to contort her body around the the people in her way and end up beside him. She smiled and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Thanks." She said before pulling him into a hug.

Gimli wasted no time in hugging her back. "You're welcome, lass." He said into her pulled back and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead.

"By the way, Gimli." She said in a teasing, flirty voice. "Nice *axe*." They both burst out laughing to the amazement of the other occupants of the Great Glass Deathtrap. She smirked back at them. "What?" They all just shook their heads.

AN3/

Read and review please! :)


	11. Off to Another Canon!

Nothing is mine!  
-

They stopped at the thankfully Sue-less Chocolate Room. "We've got to evacuate the factory." Willy said/motioned to the Oompa-Loompas. "The Buckets and I are going to leave with the guests to travel to an Alternate Canon. We're planning on gathering an army of Canon characters to defeat the terrible Sues. I need you to defend the Factory." They nodded simultaneously and most of them set off to the Puppet Hospital. He gathered the few of them that were left and stationed them around the grandparents to guard the elderly from any Sues who managed to break into the Chocolate Room.

Willy hurried back with Charlie and in tow. "This is my heir, Charlie and his father." ran to his wife and covered her face with tiny kisses.

"Did they hurt you?" He asked as he looked her over worridly.

smiled fondly at Marie, who stood beside her. "No, dear. Marie saved me from the aweful Stu that tried to tempt me from you."

regarded the short woman gratefully. "You don't realize how much that means to me." He told her, sincerity ringing in every word.

"To us." Agreed , placing her arm lovingly around her husbands shoulders.

Gandalf cleared his throat. "Ahem. As lovely as this is, I'd like to remind all of you that we have some recruiting to do." The couple sighed, but acquiesced.

Gandalf slammed his staff into the ground of the Chocolate Room. Willy winced as he thought of all the lovely Swudge that action had destroyed. Just then, a triangular portal opened up, it colors swirling like the other one, but this time in gold and red. Aragorn, once again, took the lead. The others followed suit and soon they were all devoured by the triangular portal.

AN3/

*Hint

H.P.


	12. Making Friends

AN3/

Nothing is mine.

I'd like to take the time to thank all of the kind people who have reviewed me...thank you!

Now, on with the show..er...I mean...fanfiction.

-

"Enervate." A stone-cold voice commanded. Marie's eyelids fluttered open. A tall, hook-nosed man with hair the color of ink towered over her. She realized that she was lying horizontally on a soft surface..a bed. The man's face held contempt and annoyance. He pointed a long, thin stick at her throat. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" He asked in a commanding voice that left no room for objection.

"Marie Radcliffe." She answered, her words slurring around the edges. This second transportation had taken more out of her than the last. It had left her very dizzy and unsure of what was spinning, her or the room. "I came..to..protect..from..Sue-" She immediatly fell back into the darkness.

Severus Snape sighed. "Nothing from this one either Minerva."

A prim witch nodded at him from the bedside of a short, bearded man. "Nor from any of the others. They keep losing conciousness."

"What about Dumbledore's twin over there?" Asked Snape with disdain. "He was awake long enough to tell you something perhaps?"

Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Nothing he said to me made any sense, however all of them have mentioned someone named 'Sue'."

Madame Pomfrey burst into the room and made shooing motions at the professors. "Go, both of you." She demanded. "These people need rest. You won't get any answers out of them at the moment. When they wake up *naturally*, I'll floo you."

{~Two hours later~}

Marie heard shuffling and grumbles somewhere in the room. She winced, her head was hurting her worse than the time she tried her luck with a shot of moonshine three years ago. "Ohhh. What happened?" She opened her eyes so that she could look around and found herself in an open room full of beds. It was similar to the Hospital at the factory, but the walls were ornate and made of stone instead of white tile.

"She's awake!" She heard Gimli say. "Marie!" A rough, calloused hand grasped her own and squeezed, while another stroked her hair. "We thought we'd lost you."

She gave a half-hearted smirk. "I'm too crazy to die." Another flash of pain struck her. "Ooww." She rubbed her temples. "But not too crazy to have my head split open, apparently."

"Let me through!" Shouted a female voice. A woman dressed in a nurse-like outfit came forward with a vial full of thick, puke-green..stuff. She held the vial to Marie's lips. "Drink, it will cure the pain." Marie drank and was surprised at how quickly it took effect, by the time she finished it all, the pain had fled.

"Thank you." She said, her voice growing stronger. She smiled up at Gimli, who was no longer a pain-blurred blob. He smiled back and continued to pet her hand. "What happened?"

Aragorn grinned. "Don't worry about it, all that you need to know is that we took care of everything. We explained all that was necessary to the residents of this Canon and they are, as we speak, preparing to help us in the upcoming War of the Sues."

Marie frowned. "I was talking about me, but okay."

"Oh, well, you accidently appeared in a place that the people here call 'Defense Against The Dark Arts' class and got hit by several bright red streaks of light."

Marie rolled her eyes. "Figures." She muttered. "You guys get a nice piece of comfortable ground to land on and *I'm* the one who ends up in the middle of a dangerous situation! Everything bad always happens to the girl who carries the fanmail." She grumbled as she pushed herself into a sitting position in the bed. "So how long have you been waiting for me to wake up?"

"An hour and a half." Pippin said around a mouthful of food. "Give or take a few minutes. We woke up about twenty minutes after we got here." He gulped and stared at his feet. "When you didn't wake up right away, we thought-"

"Enough." Gimli said. "We were wrong and she's awake now and that's what matters."

"Where's Legolas?" She asked, she couldn't see him in the crowd around her bed. Everyone else seemed to be there, even Wonka and the Buckets.

Gimli snorted. "He's gone and made nice with a tree. Just like an Elf." Marie laughed along with him and slowly, the Fellowship and their newer additions joined her.

AN3/

Review, review, review!  
That means you, you, you!

(After all I can't have fun without 'u' in the middle!)


	13. An Unexpected TagAlong

AN3/

Nothing is mine. J. , , and Professor Tolkien own the characters. I, however, own the plot.

-

Marie strolled down the grounds, her balance had returned soon after the pain had subsided. Now she, Gimli, the rest of the Fellowship, Willy, and the Buckets were on a quest.

A quest not to destroy a ring, but to find an Elf.

Said Elf was currently playing with the branches of the Whomping Willow. He was very much enjoying himself it seemed. The boughes cradled him and he hung upside down from one of them. He laughed and hopped to the ground when he saw them coming towards him.

The crowd of Hogwarts students (mostly female, but some were male) sighed and stared after the handsome Elf. One of them actually swooned when he stretched. However, the admireres were quickly dispersed upon the arival of a certain hook-nosed professor.

"You all have made quite a disturbance." He sniffed haughtily at the group. "Dumbledore would like to meet with you now that your little group is once again complete and.." He smirked at Marie. "Fully concious."

She gritted her teeth and crossed her arms. "That wasn't my fault."

"Oh really?" He pursed his lips doubtfully. "Well, no matter. You must accompany me to the Headmaster's office." With that said, he turned and walked back to the castle, obviously expecting that they would follow.

"The way that man is dressed reminds me of one of the Black Riders." Aragorn muttered to Legolas. "And the way those robes billow around him resemble a bat."

"How dare he be so presumptous?" The Prince of Mirkwood asked, outraged.

Gandalf tapped them both on their shoulders. "Best not to debase our allies." He advised. "We need them on our side." The two of them glanced reluctantly at the professor, but nodded.

A few minutes later they were all being offered a generous amount of candy by an elderly man in long, blue robes. He stared at them, his icey blue eyes twinkling from behind half-moon spectacles. "So you are our wonderful new guests." He said kindly. He raised his hands. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Then he paused and smiled. "And to our world, it seems."

"Sir, how many have you amassed for your part in the army we agreed upon?" Inquired Aragorn.

"All of the staff wish to participate as well as a good portion of the seventh years." Was the Headmaster's reply. "However, we need to hold back the rest of the school just in case the battle spreads to this Canon." He steepled his fingers. "Although, I do feel the need to send a representative with you to recruit more Canons."

"Who would this representative be Headmaster Dumbledore?" Asked Aragorn.

Dumbledore chuckled. "Albus, please." He insisted. "As for who the chosen one will be..." He waved his hand at a shadowy figure that even the Elf had not noticed. "Step forward Severus."

"What?!" Thundered the wizard. He glared daggers at Albus, who merely smiled benignly back. "Albus, you can't send me with these...these.." He struggled for words."..dunderheads!"

"Hey!" Marie chimed in. "I am *not* a dunderhead! I happen to have a very high I.Q. level." Gimli patted her on the shoulder.

"Don't worry lass," He growled in her ear. "He's just a bat."

Snape whirled on the Dwarf. "You dare..?" He whipped out his wand, but found himself surrounded by sharper weapons. He kept calm, but sneered at them. "Headmaster, how do we know that these are not spies of the Dark Lord?"

Boromir swore. "We would die before we would bow before Sauron!" He glanced apologetically at Frodo, who looked away.

"Sauron?" Dumbledore drummed the fingers of his left hand on his desk. "Just goes to show you, Severus. Being from another world, they would not have even heard of Voldemort. Therefore, they can not be incahoots with him." He smiled. "Simple logic, young man."

"Simple logic, indeed." Snarled Snape. "I get mauled by a gigantic pet snake to be rewarded with going on a roadtrip with a bunch of Neanderthalic men, two pretty-boys, and a short female annoyance? That's *definitly* logical."

"I'm not short!" Complained Marie, Gimli tried to hold her back from tackling the sneering professor. "I'm just fun-sized!"

"Please, Severus." Implored Dumbledore. "Don't create such a stir while you are out travelling. You may end up in an unpleasent position."

"It seems you leave me no choice, Albus." Retorted Snape with a weary sigh and a heavy frown. "You always win, old man, how do you do it?"

Dumbledore grinned. "A magician never reveals his secrets."

AN3/

Hey, peoplz!  
I had loads of fun writing this chapter. Snape is a great character to write in-character. His sadistic sense of humor is awesomesauce!

I guess I should warn you guys that I'm also a Snape fangirl. Though you probably guessed that! However, I'm also *wink, wink* a HGSS shipper.


	14. Sourpusses First!

AN3/

Nothing is mine  
-

Snape tapped his foot impatiently. "Could you go any slower?" He snapped at Gandalf, who was working on the lastest portal.

"Watch what you say to Mithrandir, mortal." Legolas said in a dangerously low voice.

Snape was undeterred. "Do you know how to drown a blond?" He asked. Legolas just glared. "You put a mirror at the bottom of a pond." The Elf clenched his fists and ground his teeth. Snape, however, seemed extremely satisfied.

Gandalf stood up and walked to the smirking professor. As he passed him, he gave the man a bit of a bump that caused Snape to fall forward into the newest, square-shaped, peach-colored portal. "Sourpusses first." Marie said with a wicked gleam in her eyes.

"I wonder where this next one leads to." Pondered Pippin as he boldly stepped forth to be the next through.

"Wherever it is.." Merry said as he prepared to follow. "I hope it's somewhere where the mushrooms aren't poisonous." He grimaced, having had a bad brush with a Deathcap in the Herbology greenhouses. Fortunately, a bezour was forced down his throat by one of the students just in time. The student's name was Harry something or other.

After them went Aragorn, then Gandalf, then Boromir, Frodo, and Sam. Gimli and Marie smiled at each other. "Would you mind?" Marie asked shyly, holding out her hand.

"Gladly." He grasped her hand firmly and they both jumped into the portal together.

AN3/

Heehee :) More of Severus being Severus. Too bad he was pushed into the portal.

Anyway,

*Hint

'If you turn it this way, it will show you your dreams..'


	15. Dance Lessons from the Goblin King

AN3/ I

do not own Jareth, the Fellowship, Willy Wonka, or Severus Snape. Those all belong to the following directors and/or authors  
Jim Henson  
Professor Tolkien

J.K. Rowling

Enjoy my plot!

-

Jareth sat on his throne, leisurely observing the goblin groveling before him. "Are you sure that they just appeared out of nowhere?" He asked his now trembling subject. "Are you sure you didn't kidnap them all and, having grown bored with them, you now wish to have them removed?"

The goblin visably gulped. "No, King. Wee Nikkles swears that people show out of the air with loudish Pop! sound."

Jareth rolled his eyes and got to his feet. "Well, I suppose I should investigate the matter as thoroughly as is possible." He glared irritably at Nikkles. "And if there is even a whiff of goblin magic on these newcomers, then I shall relish kicking you into the Bog of Eternal Stench!" The goblin nodded his understanding and then left the room as quickly as his stubbly feet could carry him.

Jareth grumbled as he stooped over the group of unconcious intruders. Who would dare to enter his domain without his explicit permission? And even more bothersome was the question of just how they came there in the first place. Who had the power to bring them here besides himself! He brooded over them. Two women, a young boy, an old man, and ten men. How in the world?

"Arrrgghh!" Moaned the younger looking of the two women. She had short, curly hair that flew out at all angles. She opened one bleary eye and observed him with the emerald orb. "This whole losing conciousness is really starting to tick me off." She moaned as she snuggled closer to a heavily bearded man lying next to her. "Mmmmm.." She said appreciatively as she buried her face into the man's facial hair. "Soft..."

Jareth burst into quiet laughter. She'd drifted back into her sleeping state and he didn't wish to wake her...the bearded man and her looked too cute together. He wondered what their reaction would be when they woke up. He snickered some more, then noticed that some of the others were stirring.

"Wake up, Pip." Whispered a small male with extraordinariallly hairy feet to another. "We've got to go fetch the porridge from aunt Mayberry." Then he slumped back the same way the girl had.

He sighed. "This isn't going to be easy." He muttered to himself. "Even so, I should take them somewhere. I can't leave them in the middle of my Labyrinth. A runner might come across them." So it was that Jareth magically levitated them all uncerimoniously and transported them to The Castle Beyond the Goblin City.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()  
Marie opened her eyes to feel a thick cloth being pressed gently around her face. "She's awake." Said Aragorn, who had been taking care of her. He smiled down at her in a fatherly sort of way. "Once again, Marie, you seem to be the last to wake."

"Hmph." Sh grumbled, aggitated. "Please tell me I haven't missed anything yet."

"Not much. "He assured her. "Just the greetings and such. The typical mannerisms one must go through."

She smiled. "Thank goodness for that. Pleasentries are sooo boring."

"But necessary." He reminded her with an amused smile. "Anyway, now that all of our number is fully coherent, I suppose that we must get on with explaining things...shouldn't we?"

"Yes." Came a strong, confident voice from her other side. A tall man came into her line of vision. His features were sharp and his hair was long, blond, and wild. His eyebrows were turned up at the edges and his eyes were bi-colored, one blue and one green. He stared down at her with indifference. "I'm the Goblin King. You may call me Jareth."

"Goblins?" Marie gasped. "As in Orcs?"

"No." He said curtly. "Not like Orcs. They are mischievious and yes, I admit, somewhat dangerous.." He tipped her chin up with one finger. "However, none of them are so vile as the ones your companions have described." He smiled, his thin lips quirking at the edges. "And none of you need fear even the pranks of my Goblins for they fear my wrath."

"And what exactly does your wrath entail?" She asked curiously.

"A trip to the Bog of Eternal Stench via my boot." He replied with another smirk.

"Ahhh..." She replied, not quite sure what he ment.

"Anyway," Said the Goblin King. "Let us discuss what brings you here. Your friends said it was most urgent."

"We came to warn you about the Sues, your..erm..highness." Marie told him. "They have invaded Middle-Earth and one other Canon. If they are not stopped soon, they may end up here and tear your Canon into pieces."

"What!" He thundered, Marie winced at the volume his voice reached. "But I am the master of the realm and no one shall wrest it from my grasp!"

"You don't understand! The Sues have powers, powers which can only be subdued if we arouse an army and destroy them. If you attempt to take on the Sue-hoard by yourself, you will be overcome." She protested. "We've been going from Canon to Canon, asking for help." She gestured towards their ever-growing group. "We've picked up one or two from the two previous Canons we've visited as representatives of their forces."

"An army, you say?" He mused, his voice calmer and his demeanor less threatening. "Fine, I will lend you the aid of my subjects.." They all breathed a sigh of relief. "However," He narrowed his eyes. "You must allow me to accompany you to your future destinations."

"Really?" She blanched. "Are you sure?" He nodded, so she shrugged. "Alright, then."

All of them glanced at Gandalf, who blushed. "It seems, that..er.." He stuttered. "My staff is experiencing a dysfunction and needs to rest." They stared. "All of this transporting between Canons isn't easy. I need a break." He said wearily. He collapsed on a nearby bed. "Give me about an hour and I'll be rested enough to continue our journey."

"Well, I guess we'll just have to pass the time then." Said Jareth with a wolfish grin. "Do any of you sing or dance?"

"I do." Legolas said.

"Great!" Jareth beamed. "What about anyone else?" He peered around at them all. Marie blushed and raised her hand.

"I do, but I dance like a spasmatic weasel on crack." She confessed. "And you don't even want to be anywhere near any windows when I sing." She giggled, embarrassed. "They would probably shatter."

Jareth waved a hand dismissively. "Nonsense, I'll have you dancing in no time." He offered her his hand and led her out of the room through a door that materialized out of thin air.

A ballroom made of crystal was through the door. As Jareth shut it behind the others in the group, the door sealed itself and disappeared. Faint music began to play.

He pointed at her with one finger. "You remind me of the babe.."

"What babe?" She asked him, confused.

He grinned and twirled her. "The babe with the power."

"What power?"

"The power of Voodoo." He answered, spinning her around in a circle.

"Who do?" She asked as she was dipped down to the floor.

"You do." He told her with a sharp-toothed grin.

"Do what?" She asked hesitantly.

"Remind me of the babe." He repeated and a pair of goblins beside the wall began to laugh. "Quiet!" He commanded, then smiled at her again. "A goblin babe." He laughed heartily and was not joined by anyone. He glared at them all. "Well?" He said expectantly. So the goblins attempted to laugh again.

Gimli swore under his breath. What if *he* could dance? Would Marie agree so readily to allow him to teach her? Or had he just been imagining the affection between himself and her? He stopped fuming and looked down in surprise when he realized that Legolas' hand was upon his shoulder. "Don't worry, mellon." He said with a smile. "This king's heart resides with another, you needn't fear competition."

"I still don't like it." Grumbled the miffed Dwarf.

Jareth danced around Marie.  
*I saw my baby, cryin' hard as babe could cry.  
What could I do?  
My baby's love had gone  
and left my baby blue*

Willy moved a little to the beat, enjoying the unusual music.

Jareth smirked and continued.

*Nobody knew  
what kind of magic spell to use!*

"Slime and snails." Sang a goblin.

"Or puppydog tails." Chimed another.

"Thunder or lightening." A third joined in.

Jareth turned and pointed at her with his riding crop. "And baby said?" He grinned, the riding crop in his hand looked suspiciously enough like a microphone.

"Ummm.." Was her brilliant reply.

It didn't seem to phase him in the slightest, because he went on singing.

*Dance, magic, dance!  
Dance, magic, dance!*

Snape interrupted the goblins as they sang out their part. "What mature monarch." He sneered sarcastically, but that was all he said on the matter.

Jareth kicked a goblin high into the air because it was in the way.

*Jump, magic, Jump!  
Jump, magic, jump!*

He picked up Marie and spun her around for a few seconds, then set her down again. He stood next to her and slowly moved his feet, as if he were demonstrating what to do. She caught on quickly and soon they were both dancing to the beat.

*I saw my baby,  
tryin' hard as babe could try,  
what could I do?  
My baby's fun had gone  
and left my baby blue!*

One of the goblins accidently tripped Marie and she tumbled forward, but managed a tuck-and-roll before she was seriously hurt. Jareth, thinking she'd added a new move, copied her.

*Nobody knew  
what kind of magic spell to use*

"Slime and snails, puppydog tails, thunder or lightening." The goblins sang once again.

Jareth pointed his riding crop at Marie again. "And baby said?" He asked with a smirk.

Marie grinned and sang at the top of her voice.

*Dance, magic, dance!  
Dance, magic, dance!*

Jareth hooked his arm in hers and they started doing the Can-Can.

*Jump, magic, jump!  
Jump, magic, jump!* Jareth's voice echoed through the ballroom.

*Dance, magic, Dance!  
Dance, magic, dance!* Marie answered him, and it seemed that she'd just been self-concious about her voice because despite what she'd said it wasn't terrible. Not the best voice in the world, but it was pleasing to hear at least.

They continued their little song and dance routine until the doors suddenly were flung open and hastily closed by a panicked wizard.

"They're here!" He wheezed. "They're here!"

Marie froze and paled. "The Sues." She glanced fearfully at Jareth.

Gandalf motioned them over to the farthest part of the room. "Order your goblins to bar the door, please." The wizard asked politely.

Jareth glowered at the goblins. "Well, you heard what he said. Do it!" The goblins stumbled over each other in their haste to obey.

Jareth sighed and wiped his brow on his shirtsleeves. His hands, which were covered by black leather gloves, massaged his forehead. "To think I would be driven out of my own kingdom..."

Gandalf, his strength having returned, hurried in preparation of a new portal. Slowly, slowly, a pentagonal shape grew. It swirled with blue and a deep burgundy color. It exuded the scent of the sea and some sort of alcoholic beverage...

Without any words being exchanged, the whole group jumped. In pairs they went, for it was much quicker that way.

AN3/

*Hint

..and *really* bad eggs...drink up me hearties, yo ho!


	16. Of Captains and Innuendos

AN3/

Nothing is mine  
-

Marie awoke to the sound of seagulls and the salty smell of the sea air. She realized with a start that she was lying face-down on the sand and that something was poking her sharply in the butt. "Hey!" She wriggled away from the annoyance and flipped herself face-up. "What gives?" She glared up at a rough-looking man who was smirking at her, a sword in hand.

"Ahh, so yer alive then.?" He chuckled deep in his throat. "That's good."

She bit back the urge to stick out her tongue at him, but settled for a sarcastic remark. "Obviously." She rolled her eyes.

He gestured to the expanse of beach to where a large pile of unconcious bodies lay strewn about haphazardly. "Are those yer mates?" He asked. She nodded and jumped up, but all the blood rushed to her head and she nearly fell backwards. He caught her though, just in time. "Watch yerself, miss." He scooped her up and carried her towards her friends. "Wouldn't want a pretty girl like you hurtin' yerself."

"Put me down!" She commanded angrily. "I am *perfectly* capable of walking twenty feet by myself!"

He laughed again. "Ya nearly fell on yer arse! I would hardly call tha' capable." He shifted her weight a bit. "Besides, you weigh next to nothin'! What are ye? Kin to fairies or somethin'?" He turned his head so that he was able to look her right in the eye. His eyes were a dark, dark brown and they pulled you in with a hypnotic force. "Or mebbe a genie?" He whispered near her ear. "Because ya could certainly grant a wish or two o' mine."

Marie frowned. "If you're goinng to take the liberty of carrying me and making forceful innuendos, then you could at least tell me your name."

He smiled, lightening the color of his dark eyes considerably. "I'm captain Jack Sparrow, luv."


	17. Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz

AN3/

*Sigh*  
Must I repeat myself?  
Fine.  
I don't own anything, even the deliciosity that is *Captain* Jack Sparrow.

-

"So is all this stuff yer tellin' me true?" Asked Jack Sparrow as he took another swig of rum. "'Cuz, if it is, then we're in one hell of a mess, mates."

Snape's lip curled in disgust."Yes. Do you think we would make all of this rubish up? It's too idiotic to not be real." He snarled as the pirate smirked and gulped down some more of the dark liqour from the bottle.

Jack glanced at the bottle and swirled the remaining liquid around thoughtfully. "Alright, mate. I'll join ya." He said casually.

"We never asked you to." Snape sniffed haughtily.

Jack laughed. "Ya didn't have to!." He waved a dismissive hand around wildly. "I could tell 'ow much ya need me." He winked at Marie, who blushed furiously and scooted closer to Gimli. "Espcially the liddle lady."

"We need you about as much as I need a pain in my arse." Growled Snape.

Jack grinned widely and held up his bottle. "When d' we leave?" He downed the last gulp of his drink and searched around him for another. When his quest came up empty, his expression was pouty. "Why is all the rum gone?" He jumped up and began in-depth rant about how 'the rum was *always* gone.

Snape pressed his tapered fingers to the bridge of his aquiline nose. "Merlin's beard, chest hair, and pubes!" He cursed loudly. "What is wrong with that asinine dunderhead?"

"He's right though." Interrupted Marie with a regretful glare at the ranting captain. "We really do need him. We need everyone we can hope to come across." She made a low sound in her throat. "Even if they are a dunderheads."

Snape smirked at her with approval. "For once, Miss Radcliffe, you are accurate." She bit her lip against a sarcastic retort, telling herself it was technically a compliment, however insulting it may have been. She nodded and got up to grab ahold of Jack, but he pivoted on his foot just as she leaned forward to tap him and she fell right into his arms.

Jack caught her with ease and righted her. "Ya seem to 'ave a disturbin' 'abit o' fallin' around me, luv." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Ya might say that yer fallin' *for* me, eh?"

Gimli simmered and seethed. How dare he? How dare he touch her? He got up, axe in hand, and was just about to show Jack what it was like to be a eunich, when he was stopped by several hands grabbing at his person. He glanced around him and saw that his friends as well as Snape were restraining him. "He isn't worth it." Murmured the professor. "Mister Sparrow is a flirt, he means nothing by his advances."

"And how do you know all of this, Snape-"

Snape's onyx eyes narrowed."I didn't work as a spy in my Canon for twenty years to not be able to read body language, Mister Gloinsson." Gimli sighed, stroked his axe longingly for a moment, then nodded. But not without a surly grumble or two.

eyed Jack Sparrow. Then he leaned over to Willy and whispered something. The chocolatier giggled quietly, then nodded and reached inside his coat. He brought out a bottle of something very fizzy and placed it in Gimli's calloused hand. "This is a Fizzy Lifting Drink." He whispered in Gimli's ear. "You can get your revenge in a non-violent way."

"What does it do?" Asked Gimli with a grinchy grin.

"It'll make him fly high as the birds in the sky. But it could send him to the moon if you refuse to tell him how to stop." Gimli fingered the bottle lovingly with that scary grin still on his face.

"How does he get down?" He inquired with his mad grin.

"All he has to do is burp. Then he'll float gently back to the ground safe and sound." Willy replied with a proud look at the tiny bottle. Gimli's wild grin was quickly wiped off his face and he ran off to Jack.

"Sparrow, I believe I've found some of your...erm..." He paused, trying to remember what the pirate had ranted about the lack of.

"RUM!" Jack tackled him and wrestled the bottle from him and gulped the whole thing down. He frowned. "Tha' didn' taste like rum." His feet began to lift slowly off the ground and twirled around in mid-air in a panic. " 'elp! I'm bloody pulling a bloody Peter bloody Pan!" He glared down at his hands. "I should have been Cap'n Hook!" He cried remorsefully as he rose like a pirate-shaped balloon at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. "At least he 'ad a great hat!"

Gimli was rolling on the sand, tears of mirth escaping his eyes. The others couldn't restrain a chuckle or two and Snape actually smiled a tiny bit. Marie stared pointedly at him. "Who are you and what have you done with the sourpuss?"

"Excuse me?"

She pointed her finger at him. "Take me to your leader! ET phone home!"

"Errrr.." Snape took a step back and glared coldly at Aragorn. "Would you mind explaining why your friend has suddenly gone barmy?"

Aragorn didn't answer, just shook his head and squeezed Arwen's shoulder gently. "This is getting stranger with every AC that we visit." Far above them, they could barely make out the salty curses flying from Jack's mouth. "Gimli." Aragorn said sternly. "Get him down."

Gimli got up and 'humphd' a bit, but yelled the instructions on how to get down to the unfortunate captain. Soon, Jack Sparrow was back on the beach and glowering at the Dwarf. "Never make a pass at Marie again." Growled Gimli. The captain nodded, smiled cordialy at Marie, then took a spot far from her.

Gandalf tapped his foot, his arms crossed impatiently. "If we are all finished here..." The oddball-ish, mismatched group nodded simultaneously. "Well, then." He stepped back to reveal the portal he'd been opening during the 'Pirate Incident'. This one was different from all the other portals. For one, it spun in the opposite direction and for another, then colors were indecisive about what they wanted to be. One moment they were electric green and bright orange, the next they were blue and white. "Who want's to go first?"


	18. It's a Mad World After All

AN3/

Nothing in this fic belongs to me, except for the plot. The characters belong to the following authors and/or directors

*  
*Professor Tolkien

*

Tarrant Hightop grinned widely as he stood over the people who had suddenly appeared beside his tea tables. He stopped Thackory from throwing teacups at them, fearing that it would hurt their guests. He crossed his legs and sang softly to himself while he waited for them to wake. "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. How I wonder where you're at..."

Whilst he sang, his eccentric mind whirred with questions. Who were these strangers? Were they friends of Alice? How did they get here? And more importantly, did they like tea?

"Ooowwww." Moaned one of them. She tried to stand, but fell to the ground. "Where are we now?" She asked of her companions, but all of them were still unconcious. Then her eyes wandered over to his chair.

"Hello." He said, smiling his widest smile. He held up a teacup full of steaming brew. "Do you like tea? I really do so hope you do. It is such an enjoyable drink. So calming, even though it's full of caffiene, which you would think would make you very jittery, but it doesn't. And that's really strange and-"

"Hatter!" Mallyumpkin said impatiently.

Tarrant stopped his ramble. "I'm fine, thank you." But then he coughed into his sleeve. "Fez."

"Who are you?" Asked Marie dazedly.

"Who are you?" Echoed Tarrant.

"No fair! I asked you first. You have to answer. It's in the rule book." Countered Marie.

Tarrant tapped a finger against his chin. "Well, if it's in the rules..." He barged straight up to her and pulled her to her feet. "My name is Tarrant Hightopp." He pointed at her. "And you are late for tea!" He bustled around the cups, preparing a cup for her. "That's very naughty, you know. Appearing just a few minutes after we start. If you wanted to join us, the least you could have done was come on time." He scolded lightly.

"But I didn't know I was coming to a tea party!" She protested. "I didn't even realize I was coming here in the first place!"

Tarrant smirked. "Well, if you don't know where you're going, that makes it all the more fun, does it not? Half the time I don't know *I'm* going. I just go." He handed her the tea and asked her if she took one lump or two.

"Two, please." She replied with a smile. She glanced around at the two other people sitting at the table. A hare with lop-sided ears sat beside her. In front of her, waving a hatpin sword, was a mouse. "And who are you?" She asked them.

"Mallyumpkin." Said the mouse with a suspicious glance in her direction. "That's Thackory." A teacup flew at her head and she just managed to duck it.

"So where am I?" She asked, taking a sip of her tea. It was very good, mint with a hint of raspberry.

"You're in Underland." She bit her lip as Hatter watched her with interest. "Though the question is; why?"

"It's such a long story." She shook her head and sighed in a tired way. "I don't where to begin."

"It's always good to begin at the begining." He told her.

She laughed. "Kay. That's what I'll do." So Marie told her lengthy tale while she sipped her tea and enjoyed the company of Underland's resident madman. And he might have enjoyed her company just as much.


	19. Of Cabbages and Kings

AN3/

"Hey guys. It's me Melda. I don't-"

"Downal wit th' bluddy begh hid!"

"Hatter?

"Yes?"

"I'm trying to write a disclaimer."

"Really? That's interesting, you know, I've never interrupted a disclaimer before. There was this one time with Mally that I interrupted her and she pricked me with a hatpin...*big, electric green puppy-dog eyes* you won't prick me with a hatpin, will you?"

*Rubs temple* "No, Tarrant."

"That's good. Melda?"

*sighs* "Yes?"

"Do you have any idea how a raven is like a writing desk?"

"Ummmm..*thinks* because both of them will always have a flat note?"

"Really? I didn't know."  
*Sigh*

Melda?

"Yes?"

"You forgot to finish your disclaimer.*Shakes finger* Naughty girl."

*Bangs head against the nearest available table.* "I own nothing."

One by one, the others woke. Jack was up, and by the time he figured out that Barbossa had not marooned him on another island, they were all subjected to learning some very colorful new words.

"Has he stopped?" Asked Charlie as his father finally took his hands from his son's ears.

Tarrant nodded and handed the man a cup of tea. "I'm so excited to have so many tea guests." He continued to give out tea to everyone. "Since the White Queen was restored to her rightful throne, I've had only Mally and Thackory for tea. Mirwana is simply so busy these days."

"You have a Queen?" Asked Aragorn as he stirred the sugar into his tea and bit into a teacake.

"Yes, don't you? It would be quite strange if one didn't have a queen. What would be in her place? A fish?" He grinned. "Actually that may not be so bad. We'd all have to eat fishfood of course, but that's-"

"Hatter!"

"Fez."

"You're rambling again." Mally accused, sounding slightly amused.

"Really?" He mused. "I hadn't noticed."

Mally sighed and nibbled a scone. "You never do."

Snape butted in. "If we could just get done with the nonsense and hurry up to stating the real perogative that has urged us into this insanity."

"Insanity is the best policy!" Countered Marie hotly. She'd grown very fond of the madman while waiting for the others to come back to conciousness. "Where would we be without the people called 'mad'?

Snape scowled. "Regardless of the mental state of *some* of the people present.." He eyed Hatter and Marie especially. "We need to discuss the current events that have occured in Mister Wonka's factory, King Jareth's castle, and King Elessar's realm."

Tarrant jumped up. "We're in the company of royalty!" He exclaimed and bowed.

"Really, *must* you fall prostrate before them at this inconvienient moment?"

But Tarrant wasn't listening. "Bring out the cabbages!" He yelled to Thackory, who ducked underneath the table to retrieve said leafy vegetables. Two heads of cabbage were tossed heartily to Hatter, who caught them with ease. Then he strode reverently up to Jareth and Aragorn and presented one to each king. "For you."

"Ummm..thank you?" Both of them said and he nodded with a wild grin. Jareth examined his with shock and confusion. "Why did you give us cabbages?" He asked.

"Because it's tradition! Here in Underland we always give our kings cabbages." He puffed his chest out proudly. "Since you are both kings, as your host, I am required to provide this sign of respect and hospitality."

"I could get really used to this place." Marie said with a giggle at Aragorn's bamboozled, but honored expression.

"You could stay." Offered Hatter hopefully. "Alice didn't want to, but you could."

"I'm afraid I can't." She said with no small amount of remorse. "We're fighting a war. Plus I'm a postmaster for the Fel-"

"You're fighting a war?!" Hatter's eyes widened with surprise. "With who?" He gritted his teeth and his eyes started to glow orange around the edges. "Et's th' bluddy begh hid, isn' i'?" He grimaced. "Sh' can' kip 'er fa' 'ead outta nothin'! No' e'en other Canons!" He continued on in a scottish brogue. "That shukm juggling urpal! Sh' deserved less than wha' Mirwana gave 'er!"

Mally climbed ontop of a teapot. "Hatter! Calm down!" He stopped pacing and his expression softened.

"Thank you." He said weakly.

"This place is going to make me go madder than Mister Hightopp." Snape growled under his breath. "Bluddy begh hid, indeed."

"Actually, mate.." Jack Sparrow looped on arm around Hatter's shoulders. "We're here t' ge' rid of th' Sues."

"Sues?" Repeated Hatter.

"Disgustingly pretty demons hell-bent on the destruction of all things Canon and the ferocious groping of various Canon characters due to hormones." Clarified . She shivered, she still had scary flashbacks of the Stu that had grabbed her. held her tighter.

Willy wrinkled his nose at the memory. " will probably want to wash your mouth out with soap after even mentioning them." He handed her a small bottle of portable mouthwash. She nodded gratefully and then gave it back when she was done.

Hatter seemed to come back to himself. "Then we had better go see the Queen. I'm sure that she'll be more than happy to grant you assistance."

"How do we get there?" Asked Boromir. "We can't go walking through this forest without a guide."

"I'll be your guide!" Hatter volunteered happily.

"You?" Groaned Snape, his face dark with loathing.

"Yes! Who else? Poor Thackory would rather throw teapots at your head." He said fondly as he ducked yet another bit of tea-ware. "Of course, you could always ask Absolum, but he's a bit flighty these days now that he's a butterfly." He chuckled at his unintended pun. "Did you all catch that? I made a pun!"

"Whoopie." Intoned Snape flatly. "Shall we give you a medal?"

Hatter giggled. "Well, aren't we the Sulking Sally." He teased.

"Actually, we call him The Sourpuss." Marie said, she helped herself to another scone.


	20. Commando Kilts!

AN3/

Okie-dokie, folks! This is my disclaimer.

[Pleasent,female computerized voice]

Please understand that none of the following characters are in any way the property of *Melda* and that the only thing that said author *Melda* owns is the plot.  
Have a nice day.

[End computerized voice]

-

The forest was dark and it seemed to surround them. Snape had his wand out and had his eye on some *very* suspicious-looking shadows. Willy was whistling the background tune of a sea-janty while Jack sung the words. Jareth was staring straight ahead with a bored expression and kept conjuring crystals and lobbing them at Snape for fun. Snape easily ducked them, but gave a scathing scowl in the direction of the obnoxious Goblin King.

Marie and Tarrant were up front discussing some extremely important stuff. "You know, I've never understood what the deal was with Prune Juice." She said in an annoyed fashion. "A prune is a plum without juice. They should call it plum juice because the juice is, in fact, that of a plum. You simply cannot juice a Prune, it's preposterous!"

"You're absoulutly right!" Agreed Hatter. "It is an unjustified misnomer!"

"Exactly, finally someone who knows what I'm talking about!" Marie threw her hands up in the air. "Half the time, most people just stare at me like I'm some kind of lunatic!"

Gimli frowned. "I don't think you're a lunatic." He said as he jogged to keep up with Hatter and Marie. Marie may have been his size, but she walked at a speed that many people would consider a run.

She smiled lovingly at him and his heart started to pound quicker in his chest. "Thank you."

Tarrant pointed out the tip of a white tower. "That's Mamoreal, the home of the White Queen. We're nearly there." He picked up his pace and even Marie had to work herself to keep up with him.

"Don't..you..think.." She said between hard breaths. "We..should...slow..down?" He shook his head, making the ribbon flow out in ripples behind him.

"No. If you want to get to the Queen's castle, you have to run as fast as you can to stay in one place, and then run twice as fast as that to actually get there. So keep running!"

Snape growled as his long strides pulled him up next to the madman. "This is complete nonsense."

"What was that?" Asked Willy as he reached Snape's flank. "It's a terrible habit to mumble."

Aragorn pulled up to them next, he wasn't called Strider for nothing. The dust that they kicked up was enough that it concealed them from sight for the most part. "Where has Legolas gone?" He asked.

"He passed us a while ago." Answered Snape with a winded huff. "Bloody blackguard thought he would do a bit of showing off..I despise show offs."

"Should've guessed." Muttered Marie as she struggled to keep up with them. "You despise everything." She glanced sympathetically at Gimli. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

Marie waited a few more minutes before asking again. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

A couple more minutes. "Are we the-"

"NO WE ARE BLOODY NOT THERE YET!" Shouted Snape. "Merlin's balls, woman! Shut up!"

"We're there now, actually." Corrected Tarrant with a smirk. He ground to a halt in front of a glistening, white castle. The stones that made up the outer walls, and in fact, the entire castle, were a glaring white. All of it was pristine and flawless and beautiful in it's purity.

Marie grabbed ahold of Snape's frock coat and, keeping her eyes on the castle, whispered in his ear. "You would make a killer caterpillar."

He picked her hand off of his person and backed away a step. "You are all bloody insane." He hissed.

"Thank you!" She, Willy, and Tarrant said at the same time with the same silly grins on their faces. "We take pride in that fact. We're very flattered that you noticed."

Snape just shook his head and moved closer to who, in his discrimatory opinion, was the only sane one besides himself.

Hatter, meanwhile, had convinced the guards to let them all in and the party was soon parading through the halls of Mamoreal.

{Thirty minutes later}

"This seems serious." Mused the beautiful queen. "Of course you may have my aid."

Aragorn bowed low before Mirwana. "Thank you, my lady."

She smiled and nodded. "However, I have one condition."

"And that would be?" Snape asked, fearing that he already knew the answer.

"You will take one of Underland's greatest heros with you." She got up from her throne and walked gracefully to where Hatter stood. "It will be a shame to miss all of the wonderous hats you could be making were you to stay here, but I fear they need you more than I." She ushered him to where the already large group stood. "Go, Tarrant. You need fresh air and deserve a nice holiday after what happened with the Red Queen and the Jabberywocky."

"Downal wit th' bluddy begh hid!" He exclaimed loudly.

"Yes, yes." She said. "Down with the bloody big head. Now, go get dressed." She urged him.

He nodded and ran off through a side door. Meanwhile, a blue mist had floated into the room and was currantly taking the form of a grinning cat. "I'm afraid you've just missed him, Chessur." She said in an admonishing voice. "You really should give up your obsession with his hat. He's become paranoid about you stealing it."

"Which was exactly my intention." Said the cat. "It's a very nice hat." He added in a dreamy voice.

Hatter came back in the room and glared at the misty feline. There was one thing different about his wardrobe that detracted their attention from this, however.

"Why is he wearing a skirt?" Inquired Willy. "Is it some other kind of Underland tradition?"

"I' isn' ah skir'!" Insisted Hatter once more in his Scottish brogue. "I's ah kilt! Sommat tha' th' 'ightopp clan 'as worn in battle fer generations!" He glared and crossed his arms in ire. "Besides, i' would only beh ah skir' eff Ah wore anythin' underneath i'."

At this bit of information, many of the males in the room either went pink or green in the face. Snape could be heard gagging while was trying to cover Charlie's eyes.

Marie giggled. "You're going commando!" She exclaimed, then her eyes lit up, an idea taking shape. She whirled on her heel and looked Gimli straight in the eye. "I'm getting you a kilt." She informed him seriously.

"But-but.." He tried to protest, but she shushed him.

"Nope, you're getting one. That's final."

Legolas smirked at his friend. "Face it, mellon, you've been overruled."

Charlie, innocent, naive Charlie suddenly popped up beside Marie. "Why do you want to give Gimli a kilt?"

"Because I like the color purple, now let's get the show on the road, peoples!"


	21. Oh, the humanity!

AN3/

The characters belong to their respective creators. Marie is my property, though, and I refuse to share her with anyone but a particularly handsome Dwarf.

Also, I'd like to thank my reviewers. To LOTR GEEK, it's great that to know that I have still some dedicated fans, I haven't gotten many reviews back on the other site with my sequel recently and I was wondering whether I had lost my talent for parodies. Thanks for the cookie baskets, they were much appreciated! To answer your other question, I've been on here for about two years, but there were tech difficulties and they made it impossible for me to get on for some reason. However, I have returned! MUHAHAHAHAH! And yes, I am very much a Gimli fangirl in real life ;). He's just too cute!

The portal swirled with a shade of red that was akin to blood alongside an electric blue. There was nothing fancy about the shape this time, just an ordinary circular portal, a hole that led somewhere.

*That's what she said* Thought Marie as she leaned over it. Two of their number had gone before her, but she hesitated, unsure and slightly afraid. Shouldn't being knocked unconcious cause permanent brain damage if it happened too often? Or would normalacy not comply due to the nature of the current predicament? "What are you staring at, you idiotic little girl?" Grouched Snape.

She gasped and jumped away, clutching her pounding heart. "DON'T *EVER* DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!" She shouted, trying to get her heart to calm down. Picture nice things, she told herself, picture Snape being forced to lecture in his underware. She winced, he would probably be just as intimidating in his boxers as he was in his bat-imitation robes.

Said bat-imitator smirked. "I am a former spy and ex-Death Eater. I will do as I please, thank you very much." He only chuckled darkly as she glared. "Consider this payback for the caterpillar comment."

"I was *trying* to pay you a compliment!" She told him huffily. "It's not my fault you take offense to every single fudging thing that comes out of a person's mouth!"

"Quite right." He agreed. "I should not have blamed you. Dunderheads have not a smidgen of control over their speech."

She raged about, completely unaware that the remaining members of their group were watching the arguement with amusement. They were reluctant to go and leave behind this spectacle. "So I'm a dunderhead again, am I? Don't you know any other way to degrade a person? Only a dunderhead would use dunderhead so much. It shows a lack of variety! You, sir, lack the creative spark!" She accused.

"Idiot, slackjaw, blackguard, dunce, dumbarse, fool, box-of-rocks, stupid, asinine-"

Marie looked at him in feigned confusion. "Why are you describing yourself to me?" She asked innocently.

He stared at her, amusment and anger at war on his hook-nosed face. "Congratulations." He said finally. This time, the confusion Marie showed was genuine. "This is officially the first time in history that I have been unable to produce a sufficiently intelligent retort."

Marie grinned. "Really? Am I allowed to celebrate with a happy dance?"

Snape groaned and covered his face. "Only if it isn't too bad." He relented.

She pouted and snapped her finger. "Awww, man!"

"What's wrong?" He asked flatly, his question muffled slightly by his hands.

"I dance like a spasmatic weasel on crack, that's what's wrong!" She whined. "And here I am banned from dancing badly!" She draped her arm over her eyes and sighed dramtically. "Oh, the *humanity*!"

"Indeed." Grumbled the Potions Master as he hastily swept past her to jump into the portal. They heard him clearly say 'Dunderhead' just before he was gone, but whether he was talking to himself or to Marie, the answer was unclear.

Gimli persuaded Marie to go in after him, and soon, Underland was Hatterless and, due to a certain grinning feline sneaking in during the commotion, Hatter was Hatless.

Life is can be so cruel.


	22. One Hell of a Good Time

Nothing is mine, I swear!

-

Abe observed the unconcious intruders. Most of them looked human, but two or three looked as if they were aliens like him. He chuckled as he took off his glove and reached for the petite hand of the young woman lying closest to his feet. As soon as their skin made contact, he could see everything. The information was horrifying at best. He dropped her hand like a hot potato. "Professor!" He called to the old human behind him. "We have a problem!"

[About an hour later]  
Marie opened her eyes to the awakening groans of her fellows. "Urgh." She winced as the migrain hit her full force. She glanced around, she seemed to be in a lab of some sort, it was all white and she was lying on a cot. "What is this place?"

"Hello." She heard a pleasent-sounding voice say. A tall, frog-like being stepped into her line of vision.

"Hi." She replied, not wanting to be rude. "I'm Marie, can you tell me where we are?"

He smiled. "My name is Abraham Sapian, but I'm afraid I'm not allowed to divulge where you are at the present time. Not until we've discovered what to do with what is happening in the other Canons."

She gasped. "You know?!"

He nodded and held up his hand. "I can tell what has happened to anyone or anything through touch. I touched you and learned through you what has been happening. Currently, Red, Liz, and the professor are discussing who we are going to send with you."

She shook her head, flabberghasted."Well, that didn't take very long. You guys must be very efficient."

He bowed deeply, looking pleased. "Thank you, we do try our best." Abe replied then, the door to the lab-like room flew open and a gigantic, red, burly man with sawed-off horns lauched himself into the room. "We're all going." He announced. "Except for dad, he says he's too old for fangirls to bother him.

Abe crossed his arms. "Red, you are being very rude, introduce yourself." He admonished.

Red rolled his eyes and stuck out his huge, stone hand. "Hiya. I'm Hellboy, but most people call me Red." He informed her gruffly.

"I'm Marie, but most people call me a pain in the ass." Red stared at her for a moment, then chuckled darkly.

"Do you like cats, by any chance?" He asked as he held up a pure white one. It purred and its eyes begged to be petted. Marie happily rubbed its ears. Red slapped her on the back. "I think I might get a kick outta this Abe." He said to his friend.

"Red, I think we *all* will." Replied the similarly amused alien.


	23. A Painful Realization

Nothing is mine. Not even our lovely Dwarf, .

-

Johann paced the floor, his metal boots clanking with every step he took. Red rolled his eyes pointedly and continued his inquiry about her life."You know, Red," Said Liz a bit jealously. "If you wanted to know so much about her, then you could have just asked Abe to tell you."

Marie cocked her head at Liz. "I'm not after him." She informed the obviously miffed older woman. Liz's eyes opened wide and her jaw dropped nearly to the floor. Marie smirked and leaned against Gimli, making her eyes travel back between Liz and Dwarf. Liz's lips made an 'O' of understanding and grinned.

"Sorry." She said a bit sheepishly. "I love him." She stroked Hellboy's cheek with the back of her hand.

Marie gave her a soft smile and nodded. "I thought as much." She stared longingly beside her at the semi-concious Gimli. He and the others were still under, despite having woken up multiple times. "Will they be okay?" She asked worridly. "They've never slept this long before."

The professor placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing to be afraid of, my dear. They are simply exhasted from being away from their own Canons for so long without proper rest."

She glanced over at Snape. It seemed that even he was tired enough not to require the use of a Sleeping Draught, as it was called in his Canon. "Still," She ran her hand lovingly over Gimli's beard, the soft hair tickling her palms. "I won't breathe a sigh of relief until one of them wakes up."

Then they heard it. "WHERE IS MY HAAAAAAAAAAAT!?" Hatter jumped up off the bed, livid. "Tha' slimy, mistcloud took mah 'at!" He bellowed hotly. Sounds came from the other beds in the room as one by one, her friends awakened.

"Son of a mother-fucking, bloody-arsed bitch!" Snarled the Potions Master. "Marie." He then said, his calm, spy persona taking over to mask the depth of the pain. "Is this the kind of headaches you get sometimes when crossing over into another Canon?" She nodded and he gritted his teeth. "I can't hear you bobbing your head. Talk, damnit!"

"Watch your tongue, Severus." Ordered Marie, she smacked him lightly on his chest. "There is now a concious minor in the room. Say all you want around him while he's sleeping, but don't you fudging dare do it when he's awake." She turned away suddenly, just missing Snape's infamous 'Death Glare'. "Speaking of which, I must go attend to said minor. Good day."

"How am I supposed to have good day when I am completely surrounded by dunderheads the whole time?" He griped into the pillow he'd placed over his face.

Marie stopped by Gimli's bed after she had visited Charlie to make sure he was okay. "How are you feeling?" She asked, putting a cool hand to his forehead.

He chuckled, but there was no humor behind it. "Like I decided to ram the side of the Lonely Mountain with my head sans helmet." He grimaced as another wave of sickening pain washed over him. "Is this what it's like?"

"Yeah." She took hold of his hand and held it against her cheek."I wonder why this is the only time you guys have experienced it and why it hits me every single time."

"Perhaps it is a matter of drained energy?" Suggested the Goblin King from a bed nearby. "You are much more vulnerable in the Canons than you are in Reality, so you tire quicker. Therefore, we do not get affected as quickly. However, it is possible that it will take us more time to get over it than you simply because we are so far from our own homes."

"That makes a surprising amount of sense." Said Snape, muffled by his pillow. He held up a hand. "Actually, it makes perfect sense regarding how we are all affected. The only drawback that may prove disasterous is if the Sues have tracked us down and pounce on us in our moment of weakness."

"Stupid Sues." Jack Sparrow said from beneath his tri-corn. It went without saying that they all felt the exact same way. "This is worse than ah 'angover af'er ah long nigh' in Tortuga." He groaned. "And tha's saying somethin', mates."

Marie looked down at Gimli and sighed. "Does anyone here have some wet cloths? We'll be needing them to put over their foreheads." The professor hurried out to get some and came back with a tray full of wringing wet hand-towels. Half were steaming hot, the other half was ice cold. "Cold first." Marie told Red, Johann ,Liz, Abe, and the professor. "Then warm. Five minutes and then we switch." They split up, attending to however many they could, as fast as they could.

Gimli hissed as the cold water drenched his head and came the hot and he nearly jumped out of his skin, but reminded himself he was a stout-hearted Dwarf. He could ride out a simple stress migrain.

And then she started kissing him. First it was just a forehead thing, like she'd done before out of friendly affection, then his cheek, which could also be accepted as a friendly gesture...but the moment she brushed her lips gently as she could over his own, he couldn't pass it off any longer. "Marie?" He croaked, the pain making his voice less than it usually was. He searched her eyes, even though the light hurt him and made him squint.

She smiled and shushed him with a finger."Wait." She pecked him on his nose and then stood up. "When you are feeling more like yourself." She promised before she moved on to Hatter, who was so busy protesting the abscence of his hat to notice that he was in a large amount of physical pain.

"How are we going to treat them all?" Abe's voice was strained, he'd cared for three already for the last thirty minutes and they didn't seem to be getting much better. "Why can't we just use something from-"

"NO!" Roared Snape."If you use medicine from this Canon on a foreign character, then the reaction to the medication could be deadly. We will work with what we have and hope to Circe that those *damned* cretins do not find us." Marie tried to glare, but she was too tired herself to really bring herself to care about his cursing anymore.

"What we need is a safe place." She told them grimly as she contorted her face in thought. "Neutral ground, a place where Sues will not go."

"Where the hell would that be, I might wonder?" Snarked Snape. "Those things thrive on perfection and beauty. They are superficial and we have the most good-looking chaps in all of the fucking Canons with us. It doesn't help with the odds."

Gandalf groaned wearily. Even a Maia could be worn out from the constant arguing and the consistant pain. "BE QUIET!" He screamed.

Marie went silent, as did the whole room. She mulled over what Snape had said earlier. It had tickled something in the back of her mind...something that she needed to remember, but couldn't...then, all of a sudden, the lights came on and she had a grasp on what she was searching for. "I have an idea." She told them all boldly.


	24. A Step into the Unknown

I own nothing. However, dear reader, before you take this step into the unknown, I would like to make it clear that some extremely funny things are going to happen in the next few chapters, so you might want to brace yourselves for one heck of a ride.  
-

"Enlighten us." Snape commanded in harsh voice.

Marie twiddled her thumbs, nervous about how they would react. "Well, you guys will have to suffer through one more portal before you can actually have some rest." There were a large amount of groans and muttered complaints when she said this, so she had to raise her voice above the din. "What I propose is that we go into a...fanfiction." Silence. "I..I know it isn't very palatable for most of you, but it is a must! If we managed to land ourselves into a simply horrid one, then even the Sues won't want to follow us." She reasoned.

"How can we be sure this will work?" Asked Frodo. "Usually Gandalf can't tell where we're going to end up next. How can we make sure we get to one?"

Marie thought for a second, then perked up. "We could go into Reality and create a portal on the Internet!" She said excitedly.

"That could work." Gandalf said approvingly. "Alright, let's do it!"

Merry nudged Pippin. "Hear that, Pip?" He whispered in his cousin's ear. "We're gonna get to go to Reality and everyone knows real girls love a nice Hobbit!"

"And I thought Seventh Years were randy." Snape's tone was cold. "Stop your antics. This is not the time to go chasing after a prospective bed-mate. You will focus, understand?" The two Hobbits took the time to glance from him, to each other, then back again, and nodded. They both sighed in disappointment.

Pippin shrugged."Eh, maybe next time, Merry."

Snape rolled his eyes. "Can we get on with this, Miss Radcliffe? I really would like to face the pain of this now and be done with it all."

"It won't hurt you to go into Reality."

"It won't?" Sam said incredulously. "Why not?"

"I haven't the slightest clue, but it doesn't. It's the going to Canons that give me headaches and I suppose that means it won't drain you as much as switching from AC to AC will."

"Why don't we just stay there then?"

Marie coughed, and looked down. "Because if you stayed there too long it would destroy you."

Jack jumped in. "'ow much time can we spend there withou' tha' 'appenin'?"

"I suppose around twenty minutes. It would be a 'get in, and get out' kind of thing. If I concentrated on getting to my place, then it wouldn't be a problem." She turned to Gandalf. "Do you think you could do that?"

"Of course, I've been sending you home and bringing you here for over two years, remember?" He looked almost insulted.

She blushed. "Sorry."

"Accepted." Then he reached for his staff from his bed and slammed it down onto the floor. Instantly, there was a glowing white portal. "Hop in."

Marie helped Gimli and Snape stand and disappeared through the portal first. Hatter with Aragorn, Pippin and Merry and Liz went next. Until, finally, they were all through the portal.


	25. Oh, no! It's the Real World!

The characters all belong to their respective creators. The plot and OC belong to me.

-

Marie tumbled to the ground, the shock from her feet hitting it causing pain to shoot up her legs. She struggled to get to her feet, which now felt as though someone had poked a thousand needles into each leg and a million in each foot. "What a trip!" She exclaimed as those around her moaned in pain. She looked around, Snape had landed face first on the ground, his nose sunk into the wet, soft earth. He grumbled, checked to see if his nose was broken, then leaped to his feet. It took all the self-restraint Marie could muster not to laugh at the indentation he'd left on the ground. It was distinctly nose-shaped and a perfect mold of his beaky nose.

He brushed off his robes and took in a quick glance at their surroundings. And then he gritted his teeth. "I can't believe it." He whirled on her. "You live in the bloody States?!"

"I don't see the problem with that." She said shortly. "I happen to love being an american citizen."

"There's nothing wrong with you being an american or the fact that you live in the States." He said after a deep breath. "I'm just used to Britain is all. It's quite...a shock."

"Where are we?" Asked Pippin. "And what is that?" He pointed at a long strip of asphalt that stretched in two directions and in the middle was a double yellow line.

"That's a road. It's what cars drive on." Answered Marie. She pointed to a small, plain white house on the other side of the road. "That's my home, let's go." As soon as she said that, Legolas bounded across it without thinking. Out of the blue, a green Mazda came speeding down the road, nearly hitting the Elf. Only his lightening-quick reaction time saved his life as he was able to jump back out of the way just before it hit him. "You shall not pass..." Marie smirked. " ..when cars are coming."

So after observing the proper protacol for crossing a road, they reached the door of her home. Marie punched in some numbers and then a disembodied voice spoke out of the security device attatched to the house. [Password?]. It asked.

"Prestadigitation." Marie said clearly and loudly.

[Password accepted. Welcome home *Marie Radcliffe*].

"Thank you MANDI." Marie turned the handle and opened the door. "After you." She let them all inside and shut the door behind them. She smiled at the familiar surroundings. The cherry-wood floors, the small, but modern kitchen, and the smell of her favorite air freshener; Spearmint Mist.

She headed immediatly for her study, which housed her stone-age computer. She pushed the power button on her modem and waited for it to power up. When it finally sputtered on, she clicked on the internet icon that would connect her to the web. She waited and waited. "Dial-up sucks." She said, irritated at the computer's slowness.

"Is it done yet?" Hissed Snape in a panicked voice. "We have five minutes to go before we are done for!" He eyed the clock.

"Time, you devil." Muttered Hatter as he sipped some tea he'd gotten from Marie's stash in her fridge.

Marie typed in as fast as she could and waited for the fanfiction site to show itself on the page. Aragorn bit his lip. "Marie, two minutes left!"

"I know! There's a clock on the computer!"

"Is there anyway this thing can go faster?" Snape slammed his fist down on the table that the computer sat on. The moment he did, the page loaded itself and with only a minute left to spare.

"Hurry, Gandalf!" Gandalf brushed the screen with his staff. A black-as-night portal appeared. They all perpared to jump in, but they had no need for they found it was sucking them in like a black hole. Just as their last seconds counted down, the whole group was sucked into the bowls of the Internet.


	26. One Really Awkward Chapter

Nothing is mine! Except for Marie and the plot, that is.  
-

Marie woke up..and then she screamed. Wanna know why? Well, you would too, if you were to wake up to the sight of a sharp, shiny hook just inches from your nose! "This one's awake too, father." Grunted a rough female voice.

The hook disappeared, only to be replaced by an all-too-familiar face. "Arwen?" She asked shakily. "What happened to you?" Arwen wore an eyepatch, her left hand had been replaced with a hook, her dress was in dirty tatters and she smelled like...well, she smelled a lot like Jack Sparrow.

"Who's Arwen?" Asked the Doppleganger. "I'm Arrrrrrwen, daughter of Lord El Rond Half-Melvin."

At this, a Elf who could have been Elrond's twin, if you overlooked the finger cymbals, whirled into the scene. "I am.." He clapped his finger cymbals. "Lord El Rond Half-Melvin." He said in a heavy accent.

"Half-Melvin?" Marie asked weakly.

"Arrrrrrwen nodded. "After a nasty incident with a Cork, it was neccessary to use what remained of an Elf named Melvin to put my father back together."

Marie drew a breath, preparing for the worst. "What's a Cork?" *This place is really messed up...*

Arrrrrrwen glared at a circle of black, fleshy monsters with red-rimmed eyes. They were passing around a bong. "Similar to a Uruk-High, but they don't get stoned all the time."

Marie tore her eyes away form the strange sight. "I came here with my friends, do you have any idea where they might be?

Arrrrrrrrrwen grabbed Marie with her non-hook hand. "Of course, they're with Grandalf the blundering wizard. He is introducing them to the Council members right now."

Marie was literally dragged into the Council. Her friends were standing, but all of them were pale and grimacing from the still-intense pain. El Rond cleared his throat. "Shall we start?" He took them over first to Aragorn's stunt double, who look relatively normal...except he was wearing a costume that made him look like a giant ear of sweet corn! He took her hand and kissed it. "I am Aracorn, milady."

*This place is either going to leave me scarred for life or make me laugh so hard later, that I piss myself.* Marie thought wildly. "Ummmm...you have a nice sense of style." She commented uncomfortably. She glanced back at Aragorn, who had buried his face in his hands. All the others were going red in the face, trying to keep themselves from laughing.

Aracorn spun around. "You think so? It also works for helping me to hide in cornfields. Stylish and functional!" He crowed happily.

From that point on, it was total chaos. From Biblo and his giant blue baby's bib, to Phrodo, to Boaromir, whose face was actually shaped like a boar. It made her head spin and she kept hearing the occasional snicker from Hatter or Jareth and even a deep, throaty chuckle from Snape.

Marie dreaded what was coming last. Gimli's look-alike had risen and bowed. "I am Grimli, son of Blowin of the Christy Mountains."

She heard a miserable-sounding groan coming from the original Dwarf. She tossed him a quick, teasing grin over her shoulder. She'd just realized that this was something she could keep reminding him of for the rest of his handsome Dwarven life. "Why do you call them the Christy Mountains?" She asked.

Grimli looked her straight in the eye. "Because." He began proudly. "WE LOVE CHRISTINA AGUILARA!"

And then he and his father did the most unexpected, strange, disturbing and just plain creepy thing in the entire history of the Universe.

They burst into song.

*Oh, I'm overdue, give me some room  
I'm coming through  
Paid my dues, in the mood  
Me and the girls gonna shake the room

*DJ's spinning, show your hands  
Let's get dirrty, that's my jam  
I need that, uh, to get me off  
Sweat until my clothes come off

It's explosive, speakers are pumping  
Still jumping, six in the morning  
Table dancing, glasses are mashing  
No question, time for some action

Temperature's up, can you feel it?  
About to erupt, gonna get my girls  
Get your boys  
Gonna make some noise

Wanna get rowdy  
Gonna get a little unruly  
Get it fired up in a hurry  
Wanna get dirrty

It's about time that I came to start the party  
Sweat dripping over my body  
Dancing gettin' just a little naughty  
Wanna get dirrty, it's about time for my arrival*

Marie stared at them both, her jaw hanging open. She coughed. "You both...erm...make a lovely duet." She offered.

Chapter End Notes:

Noooo...I was not using any illegal substances while writing this chapter...  
And you know, the sad part is, there really is a poor elf named Melvin in the LotR universe.


	27. Yet Another Catchy Tune!

Up to now, because of certain restrictions on how long a chapter name is, I've had to shorten up the original names of some of the chapters, which is quite annoying because I thought that the names gave each chapter character. If anybody is interested, I can put a list of the actual names in the last chapter's disclaimer.

Once again, dear readers, I must remind you that I own nothing. However, I must also insist that I am in no way responsible for you laughing yourself to death...  
-

It must have been hours that they spent in the twisted version of Arda. By the time they managed to feel even an iota better, they'd had their fill for a lifetime of badly-written puns, singing Dwarves, and debauched tales told by the stoned Uruk-High. What had been greatly entertaining previously had now turned into something annoying. Sort of like an old joke that one's friend insists on repeating whenever he or she gets the chance.

So now, they were debating between suffering through the mental pain of enduring this madness which even Hatter could not stand for long, or going through the crippling physical pain of the headaches. Of course, Snape was all for staying. He was the only one who enjoyed this world, mainly because it embarassed the hell out of his companions. He was just sadistic that way. "I, for one, would vote that we stay." He said, smirking like the cat who just got the cream. "After all, if we run into the Sues in the next Canon, we will need our wits about us."

"He poses a good point." Marie agreed. "Even if he's only doing it because he's an ass."

"If I were an ass, Miss Radcliffe, I believe I would not favor English. I would instead argue with an obnoxious Hee-Haww." He snarked, still smirking.

"What was that? All I heard was a donkey braying." She replied, causing Gimli to snort. Snape did not answer, he was getting too much out of the current situation to risk ruining it. He prefered to just sit back and smirk at their dilemma.

"Cool it, you two." Willy told them with a grin. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that Sourpuss was picking on you because he has a crush on you." He giggled, but Gimli glared at him irritably and scooted closer to Marie. He kept a possessive eye on her.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Hardly." He told them, in a flat tone. "I barely tolerate her as a friend."

Gasps when through the entirity of the group. Aragorn, his eyes wide with disbelief, let his jaw drop. "You consider her a friend?!" He asked.

Snape arched an eyebrow. "Don't act so surprised. I count anyone who does not make an attempt on my life as a friend. It does not mean that I must get involved with the mushy affairs of *feelings*, heaven forbid."

At this they relaxed, knowing that the world was not about to end. Marie looped her arm through Gimli's, at which his smug look could have given Snape a run for his money. "I think we should wait, too." She told them all firmly. "Not only is what Sourpuss over there said true, but we can't win a war if we're disoriented. Even if it's just another few hours, we should stay until your headaches abate themselves. Then try and go on to the next Canon."

Aragorn's eyes twinkled. "You sound like a mother hen." He informed her fondly.

"Bawk-bawk." Clucked Marie, flapping her arms like a chicken. She got up from her seat and looked at it closely. She smiled in relief. "Thank goodness. I haven't laid an egg." She grinned at Gimli. "Sorry, love. Guess you won't be a father this time around."

Gimli snapped his fingers. "Damnit. And I was so looking forward to the sound of little hammers pounding at mini-anvils."

"Well," She said flirtatiously. "We could always try again." Gimli got flustered and looked at her heatedly as she trailed a finger down his beard.

Many of them laughed uproarisly at her little display. Jareth, especially. He grinned at her, already plotting something for the two lovebirds. He wasn't above helping a friend get laid.

"Marie, you should stop." Gandalf said between fits of laughter. "You're distracting us from our debate."

Marie pouted. "But I *like* being a distraction." She whined before leaning in kissing Gimli lightly on the lips. "Especially *his* distraction."

Snape groaned and turned his head. "Can you please cut out that sickening display. You may be adorable, but I can not stomach such-"

"WHAT!" Came the collective shout.

Pippin whimpered. "Merry..did he say what I thought he said?"

"Yeah, Pip." Said Merry in equally horrified whisper. "He did."

" 'ell 'as frozen over." Declared Jack, as he lifted his bottle of rum. "Snape just said somethin' was adorable."

"This is a big deal, why?" Sighed Severus. "You all know she is. I am only stating a fact. I personally do not find her adorable, but that does not change the fact that you all do. Therefore, she is."

Willy frowned. "Well, I think, she's cute as a button." He pinched Marie's nose gently. "Yep, just a little, cutie-pie." He said in a sing-song voice. "Hey!" He said. "That would make a great new candy! Cutie-pies." And then he lost himself in his chocolatier's mind.

"See, now you've distracted everyone." Scolded Gandalf, though he hid his smile behind his beard.

"Not everyone." Marie disagreed. "Just a few."

"Regardless, I believe we should get back on track and stop discussing Marie's cuteness. Even if she is." Snape drawled.

"HEY!" Huffed Marie, crossing her arms. "Whaddya mean 'if'?"

"*Anyway*." Gandalf said pointedly. "How many of us think we should stay?" Half of them raised their hands. "And how many for going?" The other half raised their hands. Gandalf sighed. "It seems we've come to an impasse. Perhaps it is best if we just stay here. There is more harm than good in proceeding onto the next Canon too soon, anyway."

So they stayed. And were rampaged by more singing, Elves with Spanish accents, finger cymbals, and corn suits than they ever thought they could handle.

After spending more time in the awkward, backward Arda-that-was-not-Arda, their headaches receeded into nothing. Gandalf could once again use his magic without pain, and had called them all together again for the inevitable dive into the next unpredictable AC.

A swirly vortex faced them all. And for the first time since travelling into Willy's Canon, they heard a faint tune.

*Dun-da-dun.  
Snap, snap.  
Dun-da-dun.  
Snap, snap.*

"Oh no." Groaned Marie. "Not *another* catchy tune!"

Chapter End Notes:

*Hint.

They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky. They're altogether ookie...


	28. The Adamses

I own nothing!

-

"TISH! TISH!" Gomez Adams came bursting through the door to their kitchen, almost bumping into Pugsley who was on his way to his sister's room with a huge carving knife to play. He avoided him at the last minute with his typical agility, managing a to do a high-jump over the boy.

Mortisha was helping Grandma to brew an ominous, slimy, potion in the cauldron on the blackened stove. She took one look at her flustered husband, and raised a calm eyebrow. "Granny,would you mind adding the newt's tails while I attend to Gomez?" Granny nodded and cackled, reaching into the cupboard.

"Tish!" Gomez said again, placing a kiss upon her knuckles and working his way up her arm. "Tish...my darling,..my sweet, sweet nightshade.."

"You came here to flatter me, mon cher?" Mortisha asked prettily, causing Gomez to groan loudly.

"Tish, no..please, have mercy..you know what French does to me.." He begged, kissing her arm repeatedly.

"Then, what is it? Has Lurch let Thing scare the neighbors again?"

"No, no my beloved. It seems we have visitors!" He said excitedly as he lit a cigar using the fire from the stove.

"Visitors!" Exclaimed Granny. "Do you think they would like to stay for dinner? I make wonderful Beer-battered Tentacles."

"Where are these visitors?" Inquired Mortisha. "You haven't left them standing outside, I hope. It would be terribly rude."

Gomez shook his head. "No, my dear. They were unconcious just outside the gates. I had Lurch bring them in. Right now they are having a lay-in. We gave them each an individual, lovely coffin."

Mortisha smiled. "Are you sure that Fester won't mind them borrowing his coffin collection? He is very touchy about his collections."

Gomez waved a dismisive hand and talked around his cigar. "I asked, he said it was fine as long as they didn't disturb the spiders. He loves their webs and won't abide them moving out."

"Well, inform me when they wake up." Granny piped in. "I need a new taste-tester. Lurch refuses to sample my potions after the last one made him grow daisies out his ears." They all grimaced. Daisies were dispicable.


	29. Hangman Anyone?

I own nothing! Marie and the plot are the only exceptions.  
Enjoy! :)

Marie sat on a very comfortable black leather couch, sandwiched between Snape and Jack. Snape had made rather fast friends with Gomez and Morticia after they'd woken up, (well, actually, the relationship was very one-sided, because he held contempt for them both, but they adored his scathing comments. It turns out that the Adamses were very enthusiastic masochists.)

Marie held her head between her legs, she was still having trouble with the nausea that plagued her every time that they changed Canons. She felt a tap on her shoulder and found herself staring into bottemless black eyes. At first she thought it was Snape, but it turned out to be Granny with a potion that the old, cackly witch assured her would have her back on her feet in no time.

So she drank it like a fool and ended up sprouting trailing vines from her fingers, toes, nose, and from the tip of her tongue. Snape, of course, found it hilarious and was practicing his evil chuckle. Granny stomped her foot. "Damn! I must have mixed up your tonic with Morticia's fertilizer! I apologize, my dear, but I must admit you are now much more interesting than you were before!" She howled with laughter and slapped her knee.

Marie, on the other hand, was inclined to disagree. "My umph phirphinil tick." She said it to Snape, who smirked.

"No, I believe that job is reserved for the Dwarf. He may get jealous if I try to interfere." Snarked the Potions Master.

"Pow pare oo!" Exclaimed Marie as she was led away by Thing. "Fi'll pet foo cor fat!" She snarled. "Phis I fwear!" Gimli hurried after her to make sure she was set to rights.

"Well, that was certainly...odd." Remarked . "Poor girl. She seems to have the worst luck. What was it she said before?"

"I believe it was 'everything bad always happens to the girl who brings the fanmail', dear." Answered . "And so far, she has been bearing the brunt of the misfortunes. I can only be happy it isn't me. At least she's not exceedingly grumpy about it."

"In fact, she's almost too happy about it all." Observed Snape. "She's unnaturally happy most of the time, are you sure that she is quite right in the head?"

"You're really mean, you know that?" Willy told him. "You've got a wider malicious streak than a Vermicious Knidd."

"Yes. Yes I do." Said Snape pridefully.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Asked Jareth with just a bit of concern in his voice.

"Of course!" Snorted Snape. "She's *always* okay." He lowered his voice and grumbled. "Unfortunately." This earned him a knock on the head with the glass bottle that Jack was holding.

"E'en as ah pirate, I wouldn' wish 'arm on ah lady." The Captain said with warning in his eyes. "Ye may be ah wissard-"

"That is 'wizard', thank you." Interrupted Severus in a bored tone.

"Whizurd..wizherd..wha'ever..jus' trea' th' lady wit respec' and ya won' 'ave a problem wit me." Declared Jack.

"And why would I be afraid of you? You're drunk and a pirate who's out of his element." Snape told Jack mockingly.

Jack's eyes darkened. "I may no' 'ave a ship or be en the Carribean, mate, bu' I've been en many a brawl an' taken out men bigger than meself." He smirked and took another swig of his rum, which had been provided by . "An' you can' use yer stick on me ou'side o' yer own Canon, so it looks like you would be SOL, ."

Severus' eyes narrowed. "Is that a fact?" He asked, a challenge in his voice.

Jack stared right back. "Nay, mate..tha's ah promise."

{Meanwhile}  
Marie reluctantly allowed Granny to give her another potion, which, thankfully, did not turn her into any further type of shrubbery, but did, in fact, make the vines disappear. "Thank you." She stuck out her tongue to watch as the last little leaf morphed back into flesh. She smacked her lips, unsurprised to find that her mouth tasted like dry grass.

"Do you have any kids?" She asked Morticia as the woman walked gracefully into the kitchen to check on her guest.

"Why, yes I do. Wednsday and Pugsley are in their rooms, playing Hangman." She smiled.

"I love kids, would you mind if I went up and visited with them for a little while?" Asked Marie excitedly.

"Go ahead." Morticia said indulgently. "They do *so* love company. Would you like me to show you up to their rooms?"

"Of course!" Marie turned to Gimli, who shifted uneasily in his seat. "Would you like to come with me or go back to the sitting room?"

"Erm..I think I'll just go back to the sitting room." He told her.

Marie cast her eyes to the floor. "Oh, okay. I'll go by myself, then." She was disappointed, but if he didn't want to go, then she wouldn't make him.

Together, Morticia and Marie made their way up a steep stairway full of cobwebs and, once, they even encountered a bat. Morticia had cooed and scratched it behind it's ears, calling it her 'rabid little baby'. When they'd finally reached the top of the stairs, there was a hallway filled with doors, each one of the them a mirror image of the other. In fact, it was almost literal, since a few of the doors weren't actually doors at all, but mirrors hung opposite of an actual door that reflected the real one. It was all very neat.

Morticia stopped in front of a very ornate, gothic-style door. "This is their room." She knocked very slowly, and almost eerily, the door opened to allow them entrance.

Marie's eyes went wide when she saw what was happening. A thin girl was standing on a little stool with a noose lying loosely around her neck with her eyes blindfolded and her hands tied. A rotound young boy crouched below the stool, obviously getting ready to pull it out from under the girl.

"Wednsday, Pugsley." Morticia said with love in her voice. Marie stared, open-mouthed, did the woman not realize what was happening?!

"Yes, mother?" The two children said simultaniously.

"I'd like you to meet Marie, she will be your playmate for the next hour or two while her friends are busy with other matters."

Marie gulped, wondering what was going to happen while she was the young Adams' 'playmate'. If she lived through this nursery hour in hell, then she would never, ever look at a child the same way again.

AN3/Whoever reviews me and asks what Marie said to Snape shall get an answer that will hopefully clarify (if you haven't figured it out on your own) what she ment.


	30. Inconsequential Destinations

AN3/None of the characters that I have mentioned in this story are mine except for Marie. She's mine along with the plot. Gimli has expressed that he is extremely attached to Middle-Earth and asked me to quit soliciting him to move to Reality. I will not relent in my persuit, however and Reality shall be populated by Dwarves in the future if I have anything to say about it! :)

-

Marie stood firm as she smiled benignly up at the Adams' kids. Both Pugsley and Wednsday both were a few inches taller, despite them both being so young. They probably had inheirited their mother's height. She refused to show that she was afraid. She reminded herself that these two children were not evil, but, judging from what she'd seen before, that remained to be proven.

"Would you like to play Hangman?" Said Wednsday in a reasonably friendly tone. "We'd just about finished and wouldn't mind starting another round."

"Umm, I'm afraid I'm not all that good at Hangman." Marie skirted around the fact that she'd never played that version of Hangman before.

"Wedsnday, remember what father said. He said that it was important to be polite and being polite is giving the guest a bit of an advantage because he or she is not in his or her element." Pugsley interjected.

"Do you know how to play Wake The Dead?" Asked Wednsday. Marie shook her head. "Well, I guess that's out." She said to her brother.

"I'm good at card games." Offered Marie as she pulled out a deck of playing cards.

"Really?" Both of them said at once. "We love Poker, Crazy Eights, BS, Go Fish, and KEMPS."

"I'm pretty good at KEMPS." Marie said, grinning in relief. She wasn't sure she liked the sound of Wake The Dead..it sounded too corpse-related.

"KEMPS it is then." Wednsday agreed. "We'll get Lurch to play with us so that you have a partner." Wedsnday pushed her hand against a section of the wall and it opened. She smiled at Marie. "Lurch is in the basement with Uncle Fester, this is a slide that leads to the basement, it's really fun." She stepped back. "Would you like to go first?" She asked pleasently.

Marie decided that it was best to get these kinds of things over with quickly, so she thanked the girl and slipped inside the tunnel and began a rapid, wild descent in the darkness.

{Meanwhile}  
"We'd be honored to help." Said Gomez Adams around the cigar in his mouth. "Hell, we'll even add the whole Adams family to the army!"

Morticia shuddered with disgust. "The idea of all those colors and the sickly sweetness you've described to us...it's enough to give one nightmares."

Gomez stood. "This calls for a celebration! We shall give a party and invite the entire family." He announced grandly. "Cousins, aunts, uncles, everyone will be here! And at the right moment, I will explain to them the need for retaliation against this evil, despicable menace. Why, these Sues go against the main Adams' principles!"

"With all due respect, they go against everyone's principles." Remarked Aragorn. "Now we must ask which of you would like to come with us?"

Gomez gazed pleadingly at his wife, but Morticia shook her head. "We need to remain here to protect the children, we will join the fight when they are done rounding up recruits and are ready to engage the enemy in battle." She said with a note of regret. She hated not being able to indulge in her husband's whims. "We will send one of us with you...Thing!" She called and immediatly he appeared. "Thing, you will go with them and assist them in any way you can." She instructed seriously.

Thing signed rapidly, then ended it with a salute. "Is that a yes?" Asked Boromir.

{Back to Marie}  
Marie bit her lip when she looked down at her cards. It was the sign that she and Lurch had agreed upon. Lurch smirked and called out KEMPS in his deep, slow voice.

Pugsley and Wednsday set down their cards. "You weren't telling tales when you said you were skilled at this game, that is the fifth time you've gotten a full KEMPS." Said Wednsday reverently. "Would you mind telling us what your sign is?" She asked sweetly, almost sneakily.

Luckily, Marie caught her and smirked. "Not a chance, my friend."

Fester Adams smiled and rubbed his hands together eagerly. "My turn to play with her, Lurch!" He said gleefully. Lurch got up and Fester took his place after he and Marie had discussed their sign and Pugsley and Wednsday had done the same.

Marie shuffled the cards and delt out four to each of them. Lurch stood behind them, taking up the pencil and paper that had served as the scoreboard. She smiled when she saw what she'd gotten, she already had three of the same number, so all she had to do was keep a look out for another 8 and she'd be set..if Pugsley and Wednsday didn't get the first K.

She set out four random cards and Pugsley traded the Jack that turned up there for a 4 that he'd had in his hand. Quickly, she snatched it up and put down the 7 from her hand in it's place. She glanced at Wednsday to check for signs. She noticed that the raven-haired girl was acting as if she had something in her eye. "Counter-KEMPS!" She cried out.

Wednsday sighed, but put her hand in the dead pile and asked to be delt a new hand. She and Pugsley now had -K. This allowed Marie and Fester to stay in the game without a change of hand. So Marie once again bit her lip, Fester took his time in realizing it, though.

"KEMPS!" He said victoriously. "We get the 'E'!" So it went. Marie and Fester won that round, but lost the next one and the one after that.

They switched over to Poker next and were half-way through it when Gomez Adams strode into the dank, dungeon-esque basement. "Gandalf asked me to find you, Marie." He told her kindly. "He said that he has readied the portal and everyone is waiting for you."

So they made their way back upstairs and Marie was confronted by an aggrivated Snape. "Why can't you be punctual!" He said irritably. "You were supposed to be back within an hour! It's been two!" He scowled. "If you were a student, I would have deducted 60 points from your house, one for each minute that you've been gone."

Marie rolled her eyes. "Only 60, professor? You must be losing your touch." She walked up to the portal, which swirled in a bright contrast to the black rug on the living room floor. It shifted shape sort of like a lava lamp and was shiny like a disco ball. "Wonder where it leads?"

"Don't waste time pondering the inconsequentials, Miss Ratlief, just jump in the damn thing!" Snape commanded.


	31. The Powers That Be

own none of the characters except my OC. Gimli and Marie are currently picking out drapes...why a Dwarf would need drapes when he lives underground is a mystery yet to be solved...would anyone like to attempt to crack that nut?

-

Austin Powers stared down at the collection of people who had just dropped in on his shag pad. He hadn't been expecting a party. And it seems, that while he was gone visiting his brother , that they'd gone had a good time without him...he hadn't known that was possible.

He growled in appreciation when he noticed the two girls. Now there was a prospective shag. All he had to do was work a bit of the patented Powers charm on them and..well, best not to drool over an unconcious babe. It was kinda creep-a-delic. "Man, I'm in deep shit." He said as he grinned. He glanced in the mirrors that hung all over the room. "But I'm still the male sex symbol, yeah, baby!"

[Two hours later]

Marie woke up to find herself dazzled by the amount of color. A disco ball hung right over her head and it twinkled merrily as if mocking her. She'd never wanted to slap an inanimate object more in her life than she did at that moment. She sat up, holding her stomach as it protested the sudden motion. Then she noticed it. She was lying on *pink* shag carpeting. "Oh, no." She didn't take the time to take a look around her, she just found the nearest chair and climbed up on it, attempting to escape the dreaded color. She hissed at it, having found something that was even more detestable than the mother-fudging disco ball spinning lazily overhead.

"Hey, baby, what's up with you?" An unfamiliar voice said. It sounded male and had a heavy British accent. She glanced up and saw a thin man with brown hair, glasses, and a red and yellow pinstriped suit staring at her.

"Your...carpet..is..fudging..PINK!" She screeched.

"Yeah? So?" He said.

"I HATE PINK!" She shouted. "If I could, I would gather up all the pink in the world and make a gigantic bonfire. Light it, then dance around it singing 'Disco Inferno'."

The man grinned and she winced. His teeth were in worse condition than Snape's! "I've got Gloria Gaynor if you like Disco, love. No need to build a bonfire for that to happen."


	32. Strangeness Makes the World go Round

I own none of the characters except for my OC-

"And boy is she a hot one, Oh, yeah, baby! I'd like to do a bit of slap and tickle with her, if you know what I'm sayin'!"

{Throws mug at unwanted intrusion} "YES, I *DO* know what you're sayin, Austin...NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FUDGING DISCLAIMER!"  
{Clears throat uncomfortably} Continue on to the story please..pay no attention to the craziness that goes on above that solid line...

Marie banged her head against the wall repeatedly. Gimli was in a hissy fit because Austin had asked her if she wanted a good shag. Snape was laughing his skinny, greasy-haired ass off, Tarrant was holding his stomach and rolling around the floor with tears of mirth in his eyes. Jareth was staring at the ceiling with a knowing smirk and the rest of them were just plain shell-shocked. Poor Willy even looked close to fainting.

Gimli's raised voice could be heard clearly even though he and Austin were in the other room. "...MINE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME YOU ARSEHOLE! KEEP YOUR ROAMING EYES TO YOURSELF AFORE I HAVE THE INCLINATION TO RIP THEM OUTTA YER SKULL!"

"Ye 'ave ta admi' he's bein' quite romantic abou' all o' this." Remarked Jack as he downed a swig of the wine that he'd swiped from Austin's private store. No one knew how he found it.

Marie groaned, her face red as she made retching sounds. "I knew the pink carpet would come back to haunt me, I *knew* it." She quit banging her head against the wall and just crumpled to the floor in a horrified heap. "I think I'm going to hurl..he asked me if I liked it rough...ewwwwwwwwww, ew, ew, ew,eeeeeewwwwwww!" Thing scurried up her arm and began a one-hand massage. She threw him a grateful smile and sighed.

Snape gave a particularly loud guffaw. "I can't..(gasp)..believe..(gasp)...he..you...the *sofa*! Then..he..he...it's too much!" He was bent over double, laughing so hard that he was actually starting to cough. "And in front of your lover, too! PRICELESS!"

Marie pinned him with a glare to rival one of his own. "Gimli's not my lover...we're simply..." She left off, unable to finish.

"Friends with benifits?" Snape prodded unmercifully. "My, my, I'd never thought you were the type."

Marie's eyes went wide and she bounced up with enough force to nearly knock Thing from her shoulder. She stomped her way over the where Snape stood and stared him down. He lifted an eyebrow, but her stance did not change. She was pissed and there was no two ways about it. She poked her finger at his chest. "I've faced a sea of Sues and Stues, I've been zapped by Stunners, I have gone from Canon to Canon being knocked unconcious uncountable times.." She snarled at him and grabbed ahold of his shirt-front. " A pirate made a pass at me, and I was nearly hanged for fun...and now I have had to deal with this shiz!" She gestured wildly at the still-closed door where Gimli could still be heard. "There is a limit to how much a girl can take! And putting up with your sarcastic fuckwit comebacks and crappy attitude is NOT HELPING ME!"

Snape actually took a step back. He regarded her for a moment, then nodded. "I'm impressed." He said with a smirk.

Her jaw dropped. "Huh?" Was her brilliant question.

Snape rolled his eyes. "I would have thought you'd understand such a simple sentence, Miss Radcliffe." He sneered. "I am impressed with your ferocity, I never would have thought it of you."

"Is that...a compliment..an actual compliment?" She asked dazedly. "I need to sit down." She said wearily, making sure to tip-toe across the carpet so that as little of her touched the garish thing as possible. She reached a decked out, swivel desk chair and plopped into it with a sigh. "To think, Severus Snape...giving a compliment and it's not even in the guise of an insult...huh..who'd have thunk it?" She mused.

Snape snorted. "Despite what some would tell you, I *am* human, and therefore quite capable of giving compliments and other such things that you sentimental people take for granted."

"Really?" She grinned half-heartedly. "Never would have guessed."

It was his turn to glare. "Hurumph." He said and sank into an overstuffed recliner in the corner of the room. It was brown, the only color close enough to black that he would feel comfortable with in this gaudy set-up.

They all turned their heads when they saw the door open. Gimli stormed out first. " And remember.." He told a stunned Austin. "No funny business while you're traveling with us or I'll turn you into the International Eunich of Mystery. Got that, Mister Best-Shag-of-The-Year?" Austin nodded numbly. "Good, now, you said you were a spy, correct?" Again a nod.

Snape gave Powers a look of complete and utter disdain. "That man is a spy?" He asked, doubting. He rose. "Tell me, Mister... Powers, is it?" Without waiting for confirmation, he strode up to Austin with an holy glee in his obsidian eyes. "Have you ever been a double agent to two warring geniuses? Have you ever had to sacrifice yourself for the so-called 'greater good' by having your throat ripped out by a snake? Do you know how, exactly, it feels to be the willing pawn of another to make up for some past misdeed?" He inquired silkily as he glided around in a circle around Powers.

Powers struck a courageous pose. "Well, no, but I have fought with a sumo wrestler, drank poo water, and have my archnemisis turn out to be my brother. Man, if that ain't wickedly messed up, then I don't know what is, baby."

Snape pinched his nose in irritation. "Must you use the word 'baby' at the end of every sentence, Mister Powers?"

Austin grinned, causing them all to wince in horror again. "Call me Austin, Mister Powers is my father."

Marie leaned over and whispered into Hellboy's ear. "You see that look on Snape's face?" She pointed it out to him. Snape looked like he was sucking on a particularly rotten lemon, Red nodded and chuckled. "That means we're in for one heck of a show. Get ready for this next Canon to be the weirdest one yet."

Red shook his head at the idioticly grinning British spy. "Can't we just leave him here?" He said almost pleadingly. "The Sues wouldn't want to bother with him, he'd even annoy *them*."


	33. Questioning Perfection

AN3/ Dearest readers, I must warn those of you who are allergic to the Twilight series to avoid reading this chapter and the next (of course, there will be a bit of Twi-bashing, as well, though, so that may make up for it). I myself am not a fan, however it was a request and I am prone to allowing those. ;D I own nothing! None of the characters of the beloved genius Professor Tolkien belongs to me, nor do any other characters except my OC.

-

They stared at the portal. Just stared. Gandalf blinked twice and the resumed staring. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with it..no, it was quite the opposite..it was that it was entirely too perfect. It was a perfectly formed circle, not even close in shape to any of the others they'd witnessed. Also, it sparkled and twinkled like cut diamonds. Marie screwed up her eyebrows with concentration and frowned. "Shouldn't it be..I don't know..less perfect than it is?"

Gandalf shook his head. "The characteristics of each portal have shown themselves to reveal a clue about the Canon we are about to enter."

Snape crossed his arms and eyed the portal. "Well, if it's looks are anything to go by, I'm sure it has to be a Canon full of Sues. *Nothing* is that perfect." They all heartily agreed.

"Well, are we going to jump in it or not?" Asked Pippin. "I'm getting hungry!" Merry expressed similar complaints.

"Haven't you been stuffing your faces in nearly every Canon we visit?" Snape said scornfully.

"But every time we eat there, when we leave, it's almost as if the food disappears from our bellies." Insisted Pippin.

"Maybe that is exactly what happens." Marie proposed. "Perhaps things that belong in one Canon cannot exist in another."

Jareth shook his head. "No, that can't be it because then none of us would be here. It is more likely that our metabolisms speed up and burn off calories faster than normal due to the energy expenditure."

"Probably." Snape agreed. "However, if we are lucky enough, we can remedy that by going to the nearest McDonald's in the coming Canon."

"McDonald's?" Marie asked, shocked. "There's a McDonald's in every Canon?"

Snape nodded with a grimace. "It seems that even the Canons are inevitable victims of that incredibly determined fastfood chain."

Marie sighed. "Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised...I kind of wondered what a Wal*Mart was doing half a mile from Mount Doom. I guess even the Dark Lord Sauron is thrifty." She glanced around and took a deep breath. "Is everyone ready?" She asked.

"Baby, I'm ready for anything, anytime." Austin joked from behind her. Marie glared half-heartedly over her shoulder at him as she took the lead and stepped into the portal first.

Bella took in all the scents..she was on the hunt and on the trail of a mountain lion. Suddenly, she caught a whiff of a lovely scent, it was so compelling to follow that she felt as though she had a hook in her mouth like one of Charlie's fish. It smelled like candy...like the dark chocolate that she'd been fond of as a little girl. She knew what it was...a human's blood, but hadn't Edward scouted this area out and found no humans for hundreds of miles? She used her gift, the incredible self-control, to suppress her urge to tear off in the direction that the smell was coming from. Instead, she kept cautious and ran in the other direction.

She was running so hard and fast, concentrating so much of her newly acquired vampire mindpower into the 'mind over matter' technique, that she ran straight into a stone body. She looked up, startled, and a snarl began to form on her lips, then she realized who she'd ran into and a heavy feeling of guilt settled in the pit of her stomach. "That's the second time I've growled at you." She said quietly, so quietly that a human would not have been able to hear it.

Edward laughed and pulled her close. "How many times do I have to tell you that such a reaction is normal?" He ghosted his lips over hers and she felt herself automatically respond. "What has you so stressed, my love?"

"Indeed." Jasper appeared by Edward's side. "I can feel your unease. What has happened?"

Bella glanced back and forth between the both of them. "Humans." She said.


	34. Like I Care

Nothing is mine! Oh, and I must warn you peoples. A bit of Gimli smoochin' in this chapter.

-

Aragorn came back from the kitchen into the living room. He'd just finished his discussion with Carlisle and was interested in how the rest of them were faring. He stopped beside Snape who was watching the scene in the living room with a frown. "Is she still..?" He pointed at Marie, who was surrounded by the family of vampires. Apparently, she'd been scared of them her whole life and, when confronted with her fear, she was nearly hysterical.

Her eyes were wide with fear."I don't believe this." She backed away slowly. She glared at Austin. "This is all the fault of your pink carpet! I should have known that the bad luck would last!" She said, almost ready to burst out into tears.

Edward pursed his lips. "We don't drink human blood." He informed her gently. "We're vegetarians...sort of." Snape snorted in the background.

Marie trembled. "That's not the point! It doesn't matter if you drink human blood or not! You're all still vampires!" She didn't notice that she was backing up into a one of them. She gasped, terror in her green eyes, then struggled to breathe, and to everyone else's horror and surprise, dropped to the floor in a dead faint.

Gimli and the rest of the Fellowship ran forward. "Please, let me handle this." Carlisle commanded calmly. "I'm a doctor."

Snape was shocked, but kept his mask of indifference in place. "A vampire doctor..what will be next?" He muttered.

"I heard that." Carlisle said, chuckling as he pressed an ice-cold hand to Marie's forehead. "I can hear that her pulse is still slightly elevated, but she should be waking up in just a few seconds." He waved Edward over. "Tell me when she is about to return to conciousness."

Willy cleared his throat. "Are you sure that seeing him or yourself is the best idea, after all, you guys are the reason she's unconcious now." He pointed out in a slightly annoyed tone.

"Perhaps it is best to let her wake up in her paramour's arms?" Suggested Snape. He jerked his head at Gimli. "Get over there, Prince Charming, and kiss the girl awake so that we can get on to the next Canon!"

Gimli's eyebrows raised. "Prince Charming? Hardly, I'm a Dwarf Lord." He growled grouchily. "Get it right, you grumpy, stick-wielding maniac."

Snape rolled his eyes. "Details,details..do you want to kiss her or not?" He smirked. "Because I would be more than happy to oblige-"

Gimli was over at Marie's side in a flash. "Oh no, you don't." He said possessively. "MINE!" He bent down and kissed her soundly.

Snape snickered behind his hand. Aragorn leaned over. "You weren't really planning on kissing her, were you?"

"Of course not. He simply needed some encouragement and I gave it."

"Ah."

Marie woke to the pleasent sensation of warm lips pressed softly against her own. She knew instantly who it was and returned the kiss with enthusiasm. She broke the kiss when she heard a distinctive 'Awwwwww', coming from the others in the room. "Umm." She said, giggling. "I guess we have a bit of an audience."

"*Like I care*."Rumbled Gimli as he bent back down to capture her lips again.


	35. Marie Has Found Her Inner Song

own nothing

I'm leaving tommorrow. *sighs*

Marie; We'll miss you!

Tarrant; Fairfarren, Melda. *He bows deeply*

Snape; Good riddence, your brand of humor is atrocious.

"Hey!"

Snape; Just saying. I mean, just look at what you just wrote, that was comedy at it's worst.

"Don't make me end you! I could kill you off with a tap of my keyboard keys!"

Snape; I've very scared. Look how terrified I am *Yawns*.

"I hate you."

Snape;If you did, I wouldn't be here.

"Yes I do. Next chapter, you are getting a beating."

Snape; I think I can handle anything you throw at me.

"Oh, really?" *Grins evilly*

Peoples, with me, expect the unexpected, especially with this and the next chapter.

-

Edward watched as Marie hooked up the cords and the amp. She plucked a few strings and grinned. "She found my electric guitar." Said Edward to the others, who groaned. When Marie decided to have a Glee moment, she did the weirdest things.

"It's only to pass the time, besides, you'll laugh when you hear the song I'm singing."

"Are you sure you won't leave the singing to the Elves and the aspiring pop star over there?" Snape pointed at Jareth, who looked offended.

"I'm not an aspiring *anything*!" He said angrily. "I'm a professional."

"Yes. A professional asshole." Replied Snape with so much grace that it would seem that he might have been complimenting the harassed Goblin King.

Jareth started to yell back his retort, but Marie cut him off by turning up the volume on the amp and strumming the strings, making everyone in the room cover their ears in pain. "Will you all shut up and let me sing?" She said in an annoyed voice.

*Life imitates the game of chess  
You can be the rook or the pawn  
If you have the strategy that's best  
You can be the king or in this case the don  
It's easy to get knocked out of the game  
Depending on which way you want to play  
You've got to have eyes in the back of your head  
Now that we have that out of the way

Rev up the Lincoln  
And lets get to drinking some caffeino  
Lets go to nicolettis  
Cause he makes a mean spaghetti sauce  
I'm a connoisseur of the finer things in life  
I'll take any flick with al pacino  
I'm a man of respect and I prefer to be addressed as padrino

If you're the type that likes to spill the beans  
You could be a stone in someone's shoe  
You'll receive a kiss on each cheek  
Then you'll know that pretty soon the stone will be removed  
Everyone knows that crime does not pay  
It doesn't pay the taxes anyway  
You've got to be slick if you don't want it to stick  
Now that we have that out of the way

Rev up the Lincoln  
And lets get to drinking some caffeino  
Lets go to nicolettis  
Cause he makes a mean spaghetti sauce  
I'm a connoisseur of the finer things in life  
I'll take any flick with al pacino  
I'm a man of respect and I prefer to be addressed as padrino

I know it's not a wise thing to do  
Writing funny songs about the mob  
But if it's all the same to you  
I don't see it as a gang but a club  
Where men sit like gentlemen  
Plotting their events about  
Things I shouldn't understand comprehend or care  
Like...oh, I don't know maybe I shouldn't go there  
After all it is a family affair

Stay out of the papers  
Don't get caught  
Leave the singing to Sinatra and always keep your big trap shut  
Capice?

The underworld is like an undertow - if you don't respect it  
It will surely bring you down - when you least expect -  
Hey expect it from all sides  
Once you're in it it's for life  
Don't be famous be infamous and you will live to see another day  
Be wise about with whom you discuss  
Now that we have that out of the way

Rev up the Lincoln  
And lets get to drinking some caffeino  
Lets go to nicolettis  
Cause he makes a mean spaghetti sauce  
I'm a connoisseur of the finer things in life  
I'll take any flick with al pacino  
I'm a man of respect and I prefer to be addressed as padrino!*

Marie finished and The Mad Hatter clapped loudly while most of the others just stared at her. "That was..." Snape began.

"Awesome? Amazing? Kickass? Do you want me to sing it again?" She asked excitedly.

She recieved a unanimimous "NO!" from every one except Tarrant, who said yes.

Snape frowned at her. "If you ever sing that song again, I will murder you in your sleep." He growled. "It will be very painful and very drawn out...I *will* make you *suffer*."

"Then I'll come back as a zombie and team up with Gimli to hunt you down and make you do the Hula while having cream pies thrown at you." Marie said gleefully. "That would be more painful for you than death."

Snape turned to Gimli, who had paled. He smirked. "Think, my good Dwarf, *this*, " Snape pointed at Marie, who was happily back to strumming. "Is what you are going to have to put up with. I suggest you run. Far away."

"I love her." Gimli said loyally. "I can put up with a bit of craziness."

Tarrant eagerly jumped in. "If you can't, I most certainly can! She's magnificent!" He sighed dreamily.

Gimli snarled and launched himself at Hatter. "MINE!" He lept upon poor Tarrant, who attempted to fend him off with Willy's cane. "HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY IT!"

Meanwhile, Hellboy was whispering to Liz. "Marie was right." He sighed, then chuckled. "This *is* the weirdest Canon so far." Liz laughed right along with him as they stayed spectators to the scene.

Gandalf came into the room to find a rabid Gimli being hit over the head with a candy-filled cane and Marie and Snape argueing over her ability to sing. "QUIET!" He bellowed. They all looked at him. "The portal is ready. Edward, say your goodbyes."

They managed to tear Edward from Bella after a few minutes and came to the portal, which was swirling with a metalic silver and a red so deep, it could be mistaken for blood.

"It's one with a tune." Marie noted, throwing a longing look back at the electric guitar's direction.

Snape halted her, getting an inch from her face. "Don't even think about it." He hissed.

"The tune isn't catchy, though." Said Pippin as he leaned closer so that he could hear better. "It's kind of eerie and sad..WHOA!" He'd leaned over too far and fell in.

"Let's play follow the leader!" Said Marie as she jumped right in close behind him.

Snape glared at the spot where she'd been. Then glanced at Gimli. "Your girlfriend will be the death of us all."

Chapter End Notes:

*Hint

There once was a barber and his wife  
and she was beautiful...


	36. For The Love of Todd!

Hey peoples! It's been a little while, hasn't it? Well, I finally got a bit of time to post these. I was filling up time by writing this chapter and a chapter each on some of my other stories out on paper in Learning Lab (its a study hall of sorts) because I didn't have my laptop. Now I have sweet, sweet internet access! Yippeeee!

Snape; Oh on..she's back. Why couldn't she stay away?!

Marie; You just don't like anyone, do you?

Snape; Not particularly. I can barely stand conversing with you.

Gimli; You'd better watch what you say to her!

Snape; *Smirks* And what were you planning on doing to me? You left your axe back in Hellboy's canon.

*Hellboy enters with sandwich*; Did someone say my name?

Snape;Can we please end this? I'm sure the readers are getting tired of this disclaimer that has somehow turned into a free-for-all.

"I own nothing."

Snape; That's better. One chapter closer to being done with this mess.

Sweeney Todd brought up his razor in a huge arc and prepared to cut the throat of his latest unsuspecting victim. However, at just that moment, there came a loud crash from below. He paused, then hurriedly slit the poor man's throat and pulled the lever. He paid no attention to the blood that spattered his hands, clothes and face.

He ran downstairs to see what was the matter and was greeted by the sight of a large group of people lying on 's floor. Nellie Lovett was peering over Toby's shoulder at a small woman who lay beside a heavily bearded man. "Hmmm." Sweeney said with a vicious look in his eyes. "That one looks like he could do with a shave.."

Marie woke up to shouting. She opened her eyes wide when she saw Gimli confronting a dark-haired man with a wild look in his eyes. She shook her head groggily. "Let me guess. He either threatened me or your beard."

"Both!" He growled so loudly that even Edward took an instinctive step back. "If I had my axe..that would put your puny razors to shame!"

Marie got up and walked unsteadily over to Sweeney and poked him in his chest. "You have skunk-hair." She said bluntly.

Sweeney, who had raised his hand to cut her throat, lowered his razor. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You've got a crazy, whacked-out skunk stripe in your hair." She continued on bravely. "Did you know?"

Sweeney was completely befuddled. "You are either insane or extremely foolish."

She smiled. "Why can't I be both?" She asked sweetly.

"You're a very curious person, miss...?"

"Marie." She stuck out a hand. "If I'm not mistaken, you're a Canon Character, aren't you?" They shook hands, Marie looking slightly freaked by the blood on her hands. Edward's nostrils flared and he cleared his throat and looked away. Snape rolled his eyes and pulled out his handkerchief for her to wipe the blood streaks off. She thanked him profusely, but he just grumbled a bit and retrieved the piece of cloth when she was done.

"Yes." Sweeney said, his eyes met hers briefly before dipping down to the ground. "I am called Sweeney Todd, but-" He cut himself short and stared darkly out the windows of the pie shop.

"But, what?" Marie asked curiously.

"I used to be known as Benjamine Barker." He told her flatly.

She grinned. "Do you mind if I call you Benji?"

giggled and Toby snickered, but Todd quirked a smile and nodded. "My wife Lucy used to call me that when she teased me." His smile quickled was replaced by rage. "Until that bottom-feeder Judge Turpine, that weasel of the law, he's so slimey, eels look at him in disgust." He spat vehmenously. "No, nevermind. Don't call me by that name!"

"How about just Todd? Saying Sweeney reminds me of rotton lemons being squeezed." She grimaced in disgust. "Yelch!"

"You are very strange, and for some reason I don't want to kill you." Sweeney said. "I wonder why? I would have gladly slit any of your companion's throats along with yours only a second ago and yet, now that we've conversed, I feel that I couldn't raise my blade against any of you."

Austin laughed loudly and stepped forward. "Well, baby, that's pretty groovy news!"

Sweeney sent him a cold look. "Although...him I'm not so sure about."

Marie shook her head. "No one's quite so sure about him either." She grabbed ahold of Austin and pulled him away to the back of the group. "Come on, *man*, we need to have a talk about what exactly you should *not* say to a serial killer." She frowned. "Lesson one; never say groovey. He might just make a groove in your neck."

giggled. "That was very good, my dear."

"Thank you. Lesson two; Never look one in the eye." Marie informed the confused spy.

"Good advice." Commented Todd with a smirk. He fingered his blades lovingly and purposely shone the reflection of light into Austin's eyes.


	37. Outside of Time and Space

Hey, peoples! Long time and no see, right?

Snape;*groans* She's back *again*!

Dumbledore; Now, now, Severus, the girl has done very well so far. I quite enjoy my part in her story, is it impossible for you to do the same?

Snape; I do enjoy some things...*smirks*

Dumbledore; *beams and eyes twinkle* That's a good start, now what parts did you like?

Snape; The parts where I was particularly vicious.

Dumbledore; ...

"You're mean, you know that?"

Snape; And you are a swot who takes classes during the summer.

"I hate you."

Snape; I have yet to hear any real malice in that statement.

*Growls*

Dumbledore; Children, play nicely.

Snape; I'm forty-effing-two, old man! I'm not a child!

"You're acting like one."

Snape; Shut up and write the damn disclaimer already before you get accused of plagarism and get us all in knee-deep dragon dung.

"I own nothing."

They were all seated in a circle in Todd's barbershop. Gandalf was positioned in the very middle so that he could have a clear view of his fellow Canon characters and a certain female post office employee. "We have come through many of the Canons.." He began solumnly. "We have fought many Sues and faced numerous hardships-"

"Isn' tha' th' gospel truth." Muttered Jack as he munched a meat pie given to him by . He grinned at her. "These are excellen', love. How do ya make 'em?"

Nellie smiled demurely. "Oh, it's a family recipe...all full of spices and such things like being careful with your Coriander."

"Well, wha'ever yeh did, i' sure is good!" He took another huge bite.

Gandalf glared at him and cleared his throat. "As I was *saying*, we've been through quite a lot of trouble, but we've also picked up many allies. So many, in fact, that I propose that we consider Mr. Todd's Canon our last."

Marie spoke up. "How about we got to just one more Canon? After that we can get ready for war and bring everyone who has joined the fight into the Fellowship's Canon. It couldn't hurt to have more people on our side."

Snape, who sat across from her, stroked his chin thoughtfully. "As much as I despise admitting it, Miss Radcliffe has a point. She owns my vote."

Marie grinned, got up and hugged him fiercely. "I do believe your temperment is very much improved." She said happily.

"Don't count on it." Snape replied stoicly, however he smirked and gave her a brief squeeze in return. "I'm just ecstatic that I could get away from Potter."

Hatter was sitting next to Snape and began to seem a bit put out. "I'm on her side, too!" He smiled a gap-toothed grin when she moved from Snape to him. Then she went back to her seat.

Edward crossed his arms. "I might as well vote for her,too." His golden eyes twinkled mischieviously. "Though I doubt I'll recieve the treatment you two did." Marie grimaced and stuck out her tongue at him. "Told you." He said, laughing quietly.

Willy rose and began to pace back and forth, causing the floorboards to squeak in a nerve-racking fashion. "But what if there is a limit on how many people a portal can transport at once? How do we know that if we try to move on to the next Canon or even back to the first on, that the portal won't collapse on us? If it did, we would all, theoretically, be thrown into a black, endless place outside of time and space."

"Whoa, that's heavy news, man!" Austin interjected uneasily. "Where would this endless black place outside of time and space be located?"

"In teenagers' closets." Willy replied gravely. "How do you think they manage to fit everything except the kitchen sink into one?"

Jareth gave both of them a strange look. "*Anyway*, back to the portal collapsing. That shouldn't be a problem if we were to transport a few of our group at a time or even through more than one portal in the same place." He glanced in Marie's direction. "I think she has the right idea."

"One of the few she's ever managed." Snape said to the ceiling. "Merlin help us all."

Willy sighed. "I guess I second that motion."

Thing hopped up on Marie's shoulder and pointed at her and made the 'O.K.' symbol. Sweeney, who was sitting on the side of Marie that Gimli was not occupying, nodded his head. The others in the group soon followed, making the vote unanimous. Gandalf stood. "It is decided then. One more and then.." He narrowed his eyes and raised his staff. "WAR!"

With the most force he could muster, he slammed it down and a portal spread out in a silvery pool from it. It was a metallic silver that was not unlike Sweeney's razors. This was a little strange and forboding for all of them. Marie gulped down her sense of dread and plastered a fake smile on her lips. "Well..who..ah..wants to go first?"

Unsurprisingly, no one vollunteered.


	38. Welcome to Suburbia!

Hello again!

Snape; It's back. *Sighs*

Marie; You seem so excited about it.

Snape; I was hoping she'd get lost or something. Maybe even crash her computer..just something to get her out of my hair!

"You mean that greasy, straggly stuff that hangs in your face all day?"

Snape; Touche

I own nothing. :)

Marie raised a sceptical eyebrow at the rows of identical houses that lined a straight stretch of street. "Suburbia." She read off of a nearby welcome sign. "Doesn't sound very scary."

Gandalf motioned at a hill, where a dark mansion sat. It was dark and gloomy, in contrast to the almost-too-cheery look of the houses it loomed over. It was like a huge black monster. "Not everything is as it seems."

Marie shivered. The house gave her chills..and not the good kind."Are we supposed to go there?"

Gandalf nodded. "When in doubt of a Canon, always head for the thing that stands out the most." And he led the march.

Snape came up behind Marie silently. "Don't worry." He told her in that silky voice of his. "If worst comes to worst, we will protect you." She looked up at him, searching his obsidian eyes for answers. He obviously ment himself and Gimli. He ruined the mistique of the moment, however, by insulting her in the same breath. "Though I wonder why you're so scared now, usually you are so very brave. Where *has* your courage gone?"

She took a deep breath and steadied herself. Fire flashed in her green eyes. "Bravery is having the strength of will to do what you are afraid of doing. Besides," She added huffily. "I can take care of myself."

Snape smirked and faded into the background of the crowd. It was then that she realized what he had done. He'd forced her into feeling a little better. "You're such a sneaky Slytherin." She laughed, knowing he could hear her..he had the ears of a ninja.

They came upon a huge, rusted gate. It took the manpower of both Aragorn and Boromir to wrest it open. Arwen had a big, admiring smile on her face as she watched her husband flex his muscles.

Once they were inside, an overgrown path wound through bunches of thick bushes and finally gave them entrance to a beautiful garden. It was full of bushes that had been subjects to topiary. There were many diffent shapes, but the oddest had to be the many hands that felt as if they would reach out and grab you up at any moment.

"Stop!" They heard a quivering voice command. Out of the shadows stepped a young man. He was pale and covered in scars, his eyes and lips were dark and he was dressed in a leather outfit that had buckles up and down his torso. He raised his hands and everyone gasped. They were like scissors with silver blades for fingers.


	39. That was NOT Supposed to Happen!

Snape; Why does she insist on confusing everyone?

Marie; What are you complaining about now?

Snape; Have you read the newest update?

Marie;Ummmmm...no. *Shrugs guiltily* I had other things to do.

Snape; *Smirk* Like Gimli?

Marie; You son of a mother-fudging snozzberry! *Picks up a pillow that has randomly appeared beside her and commences with whacking him upside his head with it*

*I walk in and raise an eyebrow at the fight* "Don't look at me!" *I motion towards Snape* "I don't own him and I'm not responsible for the bad things my OC does to him."

Snape; HELP ME YOU BLASTED GOOD FOR NOTHING FANFICTION AUTHOR!

*Replies in sing-song voice* "I don't think so"

Snape; *takes a whack to the nose* Why the hell not?!

"Cuz you're mean." *Sticks out tongue*

Snape; You little b-

*interrupts* "Lauguage, Mister Sourpuss." *Smiles at the audience* "I own nothing at all and I promise that no profit will be made off of this. I don't even own CATS."

Marie; BONZAI! *Pounces hard on Snape*

*I walk out laughing my butt off*

Tugger gestured towards the stage. "There never was ever a more clever cat than the magical, the marvellous, MISTER MISTOFELEES!"

The tuxedoed tom appeared with a red sheet in his paw. "I shall need an assistant!" Cassandra came forward reluctantly. He placed the red sheet over her and blew glitter over it. "She will disappear and something else will take her place." He said ominously, the crowd of kittens cheered. "However, it will be a mystery to even me what will come to replace her!" With that said, he began to wiggle the sheet.

Marie admired the once-grand ballroom where they were having tea with Eddie. She smiled at him kindly. "How long have you been living by yourself?"

Eddie sighed sadly. "I have no idea. All I know is that my father fell asleep one day and never woke up. And that was a very long time ago." She patted him on the arm comfortingly.

Suddenly, Snape began to shout. He was rubbing furiously at his arms and little shiny flecks were coming off in clouds. He brushed at the glitter that had formed on his black robes. "What the hell is happening!" He roared. He turned on Jareth. "I know that your magic leaves a glittery residue, is this your doing?"

Jareth frowned and shook his head, his wild blond hair going all over the place. "This is not my magic that is causing this. Some outside force is working on us."

None of them had time to even blink before they were gone in a poof of smoke and glitter.

Mistofelees gawked open-mouthed at the huge group of humans that he had conjured. "That wasn't supposed to happen!" He exclaimed.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Obviously."

Todd leaned over towards Gandalf, who had taken a somber seat on an old tire in the junkyard. "Has this ever happened before?"

"No." Gandalf sighed frustratedly. "It hasn't."

"How do we get ourselves into these kinds of situations?!" Asked Jareth.

"Because.." Snarled Snape, who was still attempting to get the glitter off of his billowing robes. "Marie is a bad luck charm. She works like walking under ladders or black cats."

Marie stuck out her tongue. "That's not very nice." She told him in an annoyed tone.

He looked straight at her. "But it's completely true."

And she could not argue.


	40. Try it again, MrMistofelees

Marie; *gestures towards me, while I am busy doing a happy dance* Well, go on, congradulate her! She deserves it!

Snape; *Rolls eyes* Why should I? She's only gotten a single poem published and even if she *is* elidgible for the $1,000 prize, it's not that big of a deal.

"You can shove your attitude where the sun don't shine!" *I continue doing happy dance*

Jareth; *walks in smirking* You go girl. Kudos to you.

Marie; *Beams* Sarah had it all wrong, you're not that cruel at all!

*Jareth sighes exasperated*; That's what I keep trying to tell her, but she won't believe me! *Grins slyly* Maybe She would get jelous if I took you out on a date-"

*Gimli jogs onto the scene and tackles Jareth*; MINE! MINE! MINE! *Grabs Marie and clutches her to his chest* NO ONE IS TAKING MY DARLING ANYWHERE EXCEPT ME!

Snape: *Smirks amusedly* How very primal.

Marie;*Giggles* I know! He's such a sweetheart. *Kisses Gimli on the tip of his nose* I adore him when he gets possessive.

Gimli; *puffs out his chest* A Dwarf isn't a Dwarf unless he knows how to keep his girl around. *Glares at Jareth* Or keep others away!

Marie; He said that I'm *his girl*! *Swoons dramatically*

Snape; *Gets up and heads for the door* I'm leaving, I can't take this sentiment bullshite.

*Sighs and stops dancing* "I own nothing and I make no money off of this fanfic."

Mistofelees shook his furry head."I just don't see how this could have happened. I'm sorry that I pulled you from your quest, and I'd be happy to try to help try and get you back on course."

"Would you like to join us?" Asked Gandalf charitably. "I'm sure there have been Sues and Stus in your Canon. And really, you'd only be doing us a favor by tagging along. What do you say to that?"

The Rum Tum Tugger strutted forward, his hips swinging. "I'll go with you." He offered. "Misto and I are the best kind of team."

"Are we?" Misto said in a teasing voice. "I always thought you were a terrible bore!"

"Now, don't start with that again! At least I'm not small and quiet as a mouse!" Challanged Tugger.

"You two remind me of Gimli and Legolas." Mused Aragorn. "Best friends determined to outdo each other."

Jack blinked at the cats that surrounded him. "I'm still wonderin' if I drank too much. Talking ca's, what'll come nex'?"

Misto pulled the red sheet out of thin air and bid them all to crawl under it. "We'll see as soon as I try this." He said as he wriggled underneath with Tugger at his side. He closed his eyes and glitter formed once more in his fur.

POOOOF! And they were gone.

They all opened their eyes to high-pitched giggles. Snape got up and glanced around. "Whoever made this Canon was high as hell." He decided as he looked around and saw tiny people crowding around them. They were even smaller than Hobbits!

One of them stepped forward. "Are you a good witch or are you a bad witch?"

"I'm not a witch." Sniffed Snape in an offended tone. "Unless I am anotomically incorrect, I am certain that I am a male."

The squeaky voiced...thing pointed at Mistofelees, who was crawling out from under the sheet. "Then is that the witch?"

Snape pinched his nose and growled. "GANDALF!"

Gandalf glared out from under the sheet. "Yes?" He said, annoyed at being summoned as such. "Is there anything I could help you with?"

The squeaky little man hopped up and down. "If it's help the Tall Dark And Testy One needs, then as Mayor of the Munchkin City, I suggest that he follows the Yellow Brick Road." He glanced up at Snape, who was gritting his teeth. "And I think he should ask for help with his anger issues."

And that was when they all broke out into song. "Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow, Follow, Follow, the Yellow Brick Road!"

They all stopped and the Mayor looked vexed. "We sang the damn song, why aren't you following the Yellow Brick Road?"

"WHY! FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, WHY?! WHY DOES IT NEVER END?!" Snape went down on his knees and cursed to high heaven. The others just rolled around and laughed and laughed and laughed. This was going to be most interesting.


	41. Snape Can SING!

Snape; *Bellows* I DO NOT SING!

"In this fic you do."

Snape;*Splutters* It's preposterous,..it's..it's absurd!

"I always thought you had an attractive voice...for all that you use it to insult me."

Snape;...

*Shrugs* "I've always been fond of exceptionally deep voices."

Snape; Is that why you're so crazy about Dwarves?

*Gives him a shy look* "Maaaaybeee. There are other reasons...*Gazes out into space*..muscles for one."

Snape; *Shakes head* Never thought you would be all that choosey.

"Hey! I've got standards! *Smiles dreamily*..Dwarves just happen to meet and exceed those standards."

Snape; *Raises eyebrow* Uh-huh. You do know that you're a hopeless fangirl, right?

"Yes. *Sigh* And I don't own anything in this fic, which is sad, but it's the truth, so I'll have to deal with it."

Snape groaned as he linked arms with his comrades. "Must we do this?"

"Are you kidding?" Asked the Mayor as he glared at Severus sternly. "You are off to see the Wizard, it is practically a requirement!"

Snape glowered at Gandalf. "Please explain to me again why we are going along with this insane nonsense?"

Jack grinned. He had ahold of Marie's arm on one side and Arwen's on the other. "I'm no' complainin'." He gave a sly look at first Arwen, and was rebuked by Aragorn, then took a turn at Marie, which earned him a bonk on the head from the flat side of Gimli's axe.

"'ow didja ge' tha' back mate? I though' ya lef' i' back in Hellboy's Canon!" Jack rubbed his head ruefully.

"I had Misto magic it back to me." Proclaimed Gimli with a look of unholy glee. "Now I can go back to being able to properly deal with hooligans like yourself!" He lovingly stroked Marie's tufty hair, causing it to stick up even more.

"Ya know, I never would 'ave pegged ya for the type to ge' all gushy in public." Jack said, still swaying a bit unsteadily from the weight of the blow.

"Well, she's got to know that I love her, don't she?" Gimli replied proudly. "I am not ashamed that my heart beats for her."

Legolas leaned out from his position on the link. "I think that may be the most romantic, sweetest thing that I have ever heard pass your lips, mellon."

Gimli blushed as the others agreed. Marie said nothing, but sighed happily and kissed his cheek affectionately. Even the Munchkins went 'Awwwwww' at that. Jareth cleared his throat. "I think that it's best if we were off." He smiled at the couple that was at the center of the attention. Then he muttered under his breath so that only Legolas and Edward could hear him. "I can't wait for the wedding." Legolas let out a low chuckle and they shared a knowing glance before all of them began to skip.

*Follow the yellow brick road, tra la!  
Follow the yellow brick road, tra la!

Follow! Follow!  
Follow! Follow!  
Follow the yellow brick road  
Follow the yellow brick road  
Follow the yellow brick, follow the yellow brick  
Follow the yellow brick road!

If ever a wonderful Wiz there was  
The Wizard of Oz is one because  
Because because because because  
Because of the wonderful things he does!

Oh, you're off to see the Wizard,  
The wonderful Wizard of Oz!  
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz  
If ever a Wiz there was.

If ever a wonderful Wiz there was  
The Wizard of Oz is one because  
Because because because because because...  
Because of the wonderful things he does  
...(whistled) because of the wonderful things he does

You're off to see the Wizard  
The wonderful Wizard of Oz!  
You're off to see, you're off to see  
The wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Oh, we're off to see the Wizard  
The wonderful Wizard of Oz  
We'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz  
If ever a Wiz there was.

If ever a wonderful Wiz there was  
The Wizard of Oz is one because  
Because because because because because  
Because of the wonderful things he does  
...(whistled) because of the wonderful things he does!

We're off to see the Wizard  
The wonderful Wizard of Oz  
We're off to see, We're off to see  
The wonderful Wizard of Oz!*

Gandalf grumbled underneath as they skipped to and fro. "I'll bet he's no where near as much of a whiz at being a wizard than I am."

"Well I'll bet that the wizard is a fraud. Probably all hype and hero-worship." Snape frowned heavily in disapproval. "He probably just had a fancy entrance. That's always what people think of as 'magic'." He snorted disdainfully. "I dislike him already."

"Oh, have a heart, Severus. Give him a chance!" Marie pleaded.

Snape smiled wryly, then to the astonishment of everyone, he began to sing.

*When a man's an empty kettle  
He should be on his mettle  
And yet I'm torn apart  
Just because I'm presumin'  
That I could be kinda human  
If I only had a heart

I'd be tender  
I'd be gentle  
And awful sentimental  
Regarding love and art  
I'd be friends with the sparrows  
And the boy who shoots the arrows  
If I only had a heart

Picture me  
A balcony  
Above a voice sings low  
Where for art thou, Romeo?  
I hear a beat  
How sweet  
Just to register emotion  
Jealousy, devotion  
And really feel the part  
I could stay young and chipper  
And I'd lock it with a zipper  
If I only had a heart!*

"Wow, you've got a great talent for singing." Marie told him admiringly. "You should do it more often."

Todd rolled his eyes. "Somehow, Marie, I highly doubt that he will."


	42. What Comes From Good Breeding

Snape; Good luck in New York, try not to get mugged.

"Oh, very clever. Do you do stand-up? Maybe that would explain why you always smell like rotten tomatos."

Snape; At least I don't go around dousing everything in perfume!

"You could at least wear some cologne once in a while. Smelling like the dungeons doesn't exactly attract a whole lot of females."

Jareth; She does have a point. That's why I always use Colgate!

"Ummmmm...Jareth?"

Jareth; Yes?

"You do know that's a brand of toothpaste right?"

*Nods proudly* "Of course! It keeps me minty-fresh! Sarah loves the smell of peppermint."

*Shakes head wearily* "You see what I must deal with? Sometimes I think that these characters that I do not own will be the death of me. I don't even make money off them so it's not like I get compensation for their insanity!"  
-

"STEP FORWARD, YOU MOTLEY COLLECTION OF INGRATES!" The giant green..er..thing..bellowed at them, causing Marie to wince. Gimli saw it and took a stance in front of her, his axe held at the ready. Snape loomed over her shoulder, Jack scooted a bit closer to her, Arwen put her hand on Aragorn's shoulder and Nelly Lovett stood almost impossibly close to Todd.

Jareth glared cooly at the impressive monstrosity, holding it's gaze indefinitly. Hellboy held Liz tight against his side, Hatter just grinned up at the Wizard, while seemed entirely engrossed in keeping Charlie safe from harm.

Marie smiled at him. The chocolatier could be so sweet..pun unintended. Edward was stoic, his jaw clenched and his gold eyes unafraid. Eddie was bit more timid, but held his ground, however, he did gravitate towards Marie's general direction. She had his child-like trust and he adored her like he would an older sister.

"I SAID STEP FORWARD!" Commanded the Wizard.

Gandalf slammed his staff onto the emerald tiles of the floor. It created a din that echoed through the walls and silenced the other. "We are not here to suffer insults!" Growled the Grey Pilgrim fiercely, he seemed to grow in height and made the room a bit darker.

"THE ALL-KNOWING OZ IS AWARE OF WHAT YOU HAVE COME TO DO...GANDALF THE WHITE WIZARD! YOU HAVE COME SEEKING ALLIES TO STAND UNITED AGAINST A MOST TERRIBLE FOE."

Unnoticed by the crowd of characters, Thing scuttled off of Austin's shoulder and dropped to the floor. It hurried to where a great green curtain seperated a certain part of the room.

"That is true." Gandalf agreed, though he still seemed angry. "However, allies should not fight amongst themselves while being acquainted, lest they waste valuable time."

"YOU MAY BE WISE, MAIA, HOWEVER, I AM RELUCTANT TO CALL YOU 'ALLY' UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ME A SERVICE."

"Those friends who expect things of their friends are not truly friends." Gandalf replied through gritted teeth. "Still, what is that you would have us do?"

"BRING ME THE RUBY SLIPPERS OF DOROTHY. SHE BORROWED THEM AND I NEED THEM BACK..." The green face blushed a bit. "THEY WERE...ERM...RENTALS AND I REFUSE TO PAY THE FINE!"

"And if we do this?" Gandalf prodded anxiously.

"THEN YOU SHALL HAVE THE GREAT OZ'S EVERLASTING GRATITUDE!" That was when Thing made it's move and slid back the curtain to reveal a little man pulling levers and speaking into a microphone. The man yelped and pulled the curtain back into place. "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!" Oz said in a panicked voice. Thing ripped back the curtain again and the man bit his lip.

"Aaah...hello." He said in a pleasently humble voice. "I'm the GREAT AND TERRIBLE..er..WIZARD OF OZ!" He attempted a smile, but gulped at the glares he recieved.

"I would like to know exactly what the fuck is going on here." Snape asked with all the warmth of ice in his voice.

gave him a stern look as he uncovered his son's ears. He turned to Jack. "You're a pirate and he curses more than you do! I have yet to hear you utter a single foul-mouthed word the entire time we've spent on this insane adventure."

Jack grinned, his gold capped teeth shining even in the dim light of Oz's home. "I' all comes from good breedin'." He boasted smartly.


	43. Snape Sets Out On His Own

Hello again!

Snape; Good morning.

"You're very cheerful today." *Eyes him suspiciously. "Have you been nipping at Jack's store of gin?"

Snape; Me? Consume alcohol? I could never risk the stuff, after all, alcohol loosens the tongue and being a spy, that could land me in deep boomslang shit.

"Well, why are you so happy then?"

Snape;*Rubs hands together gleefully* You've got so little time left to annoy me!

"Won't you be even a little bit sad when I finish this up?"

Snape: *thinks for a moment* I'll miss trying to make you look like a chit.

*sigh* "You'll never change."

Snape: Of course! Could you see me being all sappy and sentimental?

"If you only had a heart."

Snape: If I had a heart, I would have considered- *snaps mouth closed*

"Considered what?"

Snape: *blushes and growls* Never you mind. Just get on with the disclaimer.

"Whatever." *Smiles* "Hello, I'm Melda and the following story is brought to you by me, however, I am not the owner of many of the characters in said story. These aforementioned characters, therefore, are also not a source of profit for me as an individual. Thank you and have a nice day!"

Snape; *grumbles* Oh sure, you had to go and try to sound smart.

Marie tapped a finger against her chin. "Well, actually, he has cursed quite a few times." She told ruefully.

"At least he doesn't make it a point to curse a blue streak through every sentance he utters!" retorted with a glare at Snape.

"Let's just go find the damn slippers." Growled the surly professor.

"You see!" exclaimed, exhasperated. "It never stops! He'll be having my Charlie saying the 'F' word four times a day!"

"Is this really such a big deal?" Jareth interjected with an annoyed sigh. "Can't we just leave each other's habits alone until we sort this little problem out?"

"WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOTHER-FUCKING EMERALD CITY IN THE MIDDLE OF MOTHER-FUCKING OZ!" Shouted Snape, his pale face turning red with rage. "And if we don't go find the bloody slippers right this instant, I am going to DRAG you back to *my* mother-fucking Canon so that I can hex your worthless bollocks off!"

There was silence, a dead silence as they all just stared at him. That was when Marie raised her hand. "Ummmm...what are bollocks?" She asked with a confused expression.

Snape roared with frustration and pointed at Jack. "You're from Essex, why don't *you* tell her, pirate-boy!"

Jack leaned over and whispered to Hellboy. "Did 'e really jus' call me pira'e-boy?"

Snape ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath before storming off. Marie bit her lip and looked up at Jack, who wasn't quite sure what had just happened. "Are bollocks part of being a pirate?" She asked innocently.

Jack shook with laughter. "*Well*," He said with a wink at the others in the group who were smirking. "Ya migh' say tha' i's a very importan' par' o' bein' one."

Marie huffed at the vague answer as her friends encouraged her to go along with them. She risked a glance back at the receeding form of Snape as he stomped though the field of poppies. "I hope he'll be alright."

Aragorn patted her on the shoulder. "He can take care of himself."

"Still, I'm worried for some reason." She confessed. "Call it woman's intuition, but I have a feeling that something is going to happen to him."

"I highly doubt that." Willy said cheerfully. "After all, the most dangerous things here are those darn apple trees!" He rubbed his head where he'd been bonked with a red delicious.

She chuckled, remembering their journey to the Emerald City fondly. "Oh, yes. That's true."

"Speaking of apples...how about a snack or two before we follow in old grouchy-gut's footsteps and head off to find the slippers?" Pippin brought out some of the apples he'd stashed away during that particular incident.

"That sounds nice." Arwen smiled at him as they began to dig in. "Hobbits always know when to produce comfort food."

"Darn skippy." Marie agreed happily just before she bit into a shiny red one.


	44. Monkeys with wings and other such things

own nothing!

Snape; *Grumble* I can't believe you did that to me.

"Shut up. At least they didn't pull out your stuffing like they did to poor Scarecrow."

Snape; You're despicable.

"Nope. I'm Melda,*holds out hand to shake* Nice to meet you."

-

The tiny, hairy arachnid crawled up to Marie's foot. Her eyes went wide and she let out a little 'eep'. She turned on her heel and, to the amusement of her friends, climbed atop Gimli. "Ewwww!"

Legolas grinned. "Save her from the nasty spider, mellon nin."

Gimli squashed the thing under the toe of his boot with a snort. "I've seen bigger."

"Thanks, love!" Marie leaned foward and gave him a peck on his nose. She smiled, her face appearing upside-down to him. "Did I ever tell you that you make a lovely perch?"

"No, I don't recall you ever saying that to me, lass." Sighed Gimli, though he hid a smile under his beard.

"Do you mind if I stay up here awhile?" She asked. "You know, just in case there are more spiders." She glanced around, suspiciously scanning the ground as if she expected to find it teeming with them.

"For a small while, then I'll have to set you down." He told her.

She nodded and sat straight up. From this vantage point she noticed something off in the distance. "Legolas." The Elf looked up from his examination of his bowstring. "Can you tell me what that is?" She pointed at the dark cloud of what seemed to be birds.

Legolas held his hand above his eyes to keep the sun from casting a glare on his vision."What in the name of the Valar?" He swore quietly.

"What do your Elf eyes see?" Aragorn inquired.

"It looks like..like.."

"Spit it out, Legolas! We can't stand here all day!" Gimli demanded.

"It looks like..monkeys with wings!"

Jareth rolled his eyes. "You've got to be kidding me."

"This is no jest. There truly are monkeys with wings in the east!"

"Marie, what did I tell you about giving the Elf too much sugar?" Gandalf said in a warning tone.

Legolas rounded on them, glaring harshly. "I'm telling the truth!" He insisted.

"Why don't we just go and check it out?" Willy suggested. "It's the same way that Snape went, so we might as well."

"That's a fair point." Mused the White Wizard. "Very well, on we go."

They treked through the wilderness of Oz. It was easy going for the most part, not much in the way of roots or over-turned stones to trip them up. That is, it was until they came upon the forest.

It was eerie, and strange birds with glowing red eyes croaked at them. "I would turn back if I were you." Marie read. "Well, you're a sign, so you can't be me. So there." She stuck out her tongue at the offending bit of enscribed wood.

"Marie, we all know your sanity is questionable. No need to emphasize it by talking to a sign." Gandalf chuckled.

"My sanity isn't questionable..I know very well that I am completely insane." She retorted, then shivered and huddled close to her Dwarf. "This place is creepy."

"And I thought Legolas was prone to stating the obvious." Snarked Jareth, which earned him a glare and a handful of musty leaves thrown in his face. He just laughed.

That was when they heard the yelling. "GET OFF OF ME! I SWEAR, YOU BLOODY SHIT-PICKERS I'LL HAVE YOUR HIDES FOR MY WINTER COAT IF YOU DON'T PUT ME DOWN!"

"Snape!" They all said at once. "We've got to help him!" Marie said, her voice betraying her panic

They ran as hard as they could towards the sounds, which they were getting closer to, judging by the increase in volume.

They entered a slight clearing in the dead trees just in time to see the flailing figure of Severus Snape being hauled off by..yep, you guessed it..flying monkeys.

"See?" Legolas said triumphantly. "I *was* telling the truth."

"We've got to find out where they're taking him!" Arwen watched the receeding form of the professer. "Who knows what those awful things will do to him!"

They ran in the direction they had seen the monkeys fly in, and soon a dark castle loomed in front of them. They hid in the rocks as they observed the monkeys take Snape into one of the high towers. Then, looking below, they saw the guards patrolling the drawbridge. "How are we going to get through them?"

They were so engrossed in pondering this puzzle that they didn't notice the guards that had snuck up behind them. Legolas, at the last minute, sensed them and drew his bow. They took out the guards with no trouble. Willy was quite skillful with his cane, after all. And Hatter was okay when it came to throwing rocks at peoples heads.

Marie looked down at the unconcious guards. "Is anyone thinking what I'm thinking?"

"We take their costumes?" Todd asked.

"Exactly."

"EW!" Willy exclaimed loudly as he pulled the pants off his guard. "This one is wearing his monday underwear!"

"So?" Jack said as he shimmyed into his own set of trousers. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Today is Saturday." Willy said grimly with a disgusted shudder.

"Okay, that's just yucky." Marie said. "Hatter, you know all about Hats, could you help me with this?" She pointed to the tall, fuzzy, black headgear that was the cause of her irritation. He gladly helped and then they were ready to storm the castle!

They fell in easily with the guards, who were finishing up their last round of pacing the entrance. A real guard poked Marie with his elbow. "Hey, Jim, where've you been?"

"Uhhh...c-coffee break." She forced her voice to go as deep as it could.

"Oh, well, you'll need it. The old witch is vicious tonight..she's still sore over being melted. But personally I thought it was about time she had a bath!" The guard guffawed heartily and slapped Marie on the back. This pitched her forward and caused her ill-fitting hat to slide off her head and bounce to the ground. She, however, went rolling and hit a wall, stopping mid-roll and therefor, upside-down.

"Ow..if I were a cartoon, my eyes would be going in circles." She went a little green. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Hey!" The guard, who was a little slow, finally noticed that Marie wasn't his friend. "You're not Jim!"

"No, she isn't!" Agreed Pippin as he and Merry helped Marie to her feet. "RUN!" They both screamed at the others.

"She'd better not be hurt, or they'll have a Dwarf to answer to!" Gimli huffed as they ran along. The guards gave chase all throughout the castle, upstairs and downstairs, even through the basement, for the persistant guards would not relent.

Eventually, somehow, they all ended back up where they'd started. "STOP!" Screamed a witchy-sounding voice. A green woman in billowing robes that could have rivaled Snape's and a pointy hat, stomped down the stairs. "What is the meaning of this?" She asked one of the guards, gesturing at the group.

"They're intruders. They've intruded on the castle." Said the not-so-bright guard who thought Marie was his friend Jim.

She rolled her eyes and strolled down the steps. "I'm the Wicked Witch of the West..blah, blah, blah.. cackle, cackle, cackle..evil threat..blah, blah, blah." She came to a standstill in front of them and crossed her arms. "Look, I'm not having a good day. Last week, I was melted by some farm girl from Utah-"

"Wait, wasn't Dorothy from Kansas?" Marie asked, confused.

The witch snorted. "Oh, she was from Kansas, all right. KANSAS CITY, UTAH! The little FINK!" She yelled suddenly, then pinched her nose and held up her hand. "Sorry, sorry...I'm off my game..I haven't done my yoga yet, and I'm just..I'm sorry, all right?" She burst into tears and clung to the front of a Legolas' tunic. "It's just that horrid man up there! He's..just so..so much more..EVIL..than I am! And it's driving me nuts!"

"We'll gladly take him off your hands for you, if you let us go." Marie bargained, laughing inside all the while.

The Wicked Witch looked at her through tear-dusted lashes. "You would do that for me?" They all nodded. The Wicked Witch clapped her hands joyously. "Thank you! You don't know what a pain in the butt he is!"

Marie smirked and glanced around at her friends, who held similar knowing expressions. "Oh, I think we have some idea."

"I mean, he's been here all of five minutes and he's just so despicable! He called me grass green!" She sobbed. "And everyone knows I'm a pine!"

"Ummm...right." Marie edged away from the wailing witch. "So where is he?"

"Up there." The witch pointed just as the door at the top of the stairs flew open. Out strutted Professer Severus Snape. And he was looking majorly pissed.

"FINALLY! I WAS WONDERING WHEN THE *HELL* YOU ALL WOULD GET HERE!"

"I wonder if his voice ever gets hoarse from all that yelling and cursing." Hatter said thoughtfully to himself.

So it was that they had Snape back and the helpful gratitude of a Wicked Witch. Aragorn, ever the sweet-talker, managed to sign her on board for the ever-growing army just by agreeing that she was indeed a 'pine' and not a 'grass green'. After that, they headed out to find the ruby slippers.

It kind of makes you want to pity them, doesn't it?


	45. Simply Doomed

"We should never have gotten directions from that Scarecrow." Gimli grumbled under his breath. They'd been lost and walking around Oz for hours.

"My poor feet!" Groaned Pippin.

Merry glared. "You shouldn't complain, you aren't the one with the black eye."

Marie held back a giggle. "Who knew Dorothy would put up such a fight?"

"The little wench. She made us waste valuable time." Snape snapped. For some reason, he kept glancing up at the sky. Presumably he was paranoid about being abducted by monkeys with wings again.

"Aragorn!" Legolas called. "The Emerald City is that way!" He pointed in the opposite direction that they were going.

They paid him no heed and trudged on. "Legolas, how do you know that?" Aragorn asked sceptically. "It's not as if there is a sign that would just show us-" Legolas grabbed his wrist and pulled him over to where he'd been standing. There he pushed back some brush and revealed a sign that read;

EMERALD CITY  
2 MILES IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION

Six Flags  
JUST WALK UNTIL YOU SEE IT

HOT DOG STAND  
LOOK TO THE LEFT

They all looked to the left and saw, as promised, the hot dog stand. The man who was running it gave a little wave. They all waved back politely. "Well, I guess we're going in the opposite direction, then."

Snape smirked at Legolas. "Captain Obvious strikes again." Legolas waited until Snape had his back turned, then poked an arrow into Snape's behind.

"SHIT!" Snape yanked it out of Legolas' hand, glared at it, broke it into two pieces and threw it at the laughing Elf's head.

"Captain Obvious strikes again." Legolas echoed as he dodged the pieces.

The old gentleman stood before them and held out his hand for the ruby slippers. Gandalf handed the hard-won shoes over and The *Great* Oz smiled. "Thank you very much. I was wondering when I would get those back. They've been passed around so many times, I wondered if they'd become communal footwear!" He tucked them away in a box that he held under one arm. "I never should have lent them to the Wicked Witch of the East, she's always getting houses dropped on her head."

"I thought you lent them to Dorothy."

"Well, there's an interesting story to that. You see, one day I was having tea with The Wicked Witch of the East-"

"You were having tea with a an evil witch?" Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Well, why can't one be sociable with one's neighbors? Anyway, she asked me to lend them to her, then got herself killed *again*, and then Glenda took it upon herself to just give them to Dorothy out of the blue and I hadn't seen them since!" The Wizard explained, then smiled kindly at them all. "Now, you have completed my requirement and you shall have your reward!" He gestured at a side door, which opened to reveal thousands upon thousands of Munchkins dressed in armor. "Your army." He announced.

They all gaped as the entire force began to sing in high-pitched voices.

*We represent  
the Slaughtering Guild  
the Slaughtering Guild

And in the name of  
the Slaughtering Guild  
We wish to fight for you!*

"That was terrible." They all glared at poor Legolas, who had, once again, stated the obvious.

Snape just shook his head."We're doomed."


	46. Gandalf says goodbyefor now

Marie;*Holds finger to lips* Ssh, you guys! She's coming!

*I walk in and flick on the lights*

Everyone; SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELDA!

*Blushes* "Awww..you guys." *Furrows brows in confusion.8 "Why is Snape in a party hat and blowing a party whistle?"

Snape; I lost a bet. *Blows the whistle with an irritated 'toot'*

"Ah. I see."

*Marie marches up*; This is going to be so sad when you finally finish this fanfic. *hug*

"I couldn't agree more. Though I promise that I'll round you all up for another one some other time."

*Cheers and brandishes a beer bottle* Jack; I LOVE birthdays! Drinks all around!"

*Smiles* "I unfortunately do not own any of these wily characters."

Snape; *Toot!* Thank goodness.

-

This was it. Everyone held their breath as Gandalf looked at each and every one of them. It had come to the point where they would begin the war they had anticipated since the begining. "Friends." Gandalf began. "Colleages." He gestured in one big sweep at the circle that had been made of the representatives of the Canons they had visited. "The time has come. We all know that the last few attempts to return to my Canon have been unsuccessful."

"That is one hell of an underrated statement." Snape muttered.

"However," Gandalf continued. "I believe that it was for a reason we were delayed. And now, my heart tells me, is the moment for us to ready ourselves."

"Isn't that what we've been doing all along? Preparing ourselves?" Jareth interjected. "And why are you giving us this big speech?"

Gandalf sighed and clutched his staff. "Because I am afraid that I will not be able to accompany you back to where this madness started." A collective gasp rose up from the crowd. All of them launched into protests. He held up a hand for silence and they fell quiet. "I am sorry, but I must go. I am needed to retrieve our forces from the respective Canons of you all."

"How will we be able to escape if we end up in the wrong Canon again?" Gimli asked, a hint of worry making his question harsher than it actually was. "Who will set us to rights?"

Gandalf smiled. "You'll have to trust Mistofelees with that."

"Trust a cat with something as important as that?" Snape seemed to boil at the prospect. "You're insane! He's the reason we ended up here, he's why I ended up getting kidnapped by a flock of flying fucking monkeys!"

"Mistofelees wasn't responsible for you getting Snape-napped, Severus." Marie told him aggitatedly. She smiled and petted the cat in question. Snape grumbled and grouched and griped and complained under his breath, but said nothing more.

Gandalf smiled as he raised his staff and struck the ground for the final time. "I will meet you on the battlefield. And good luck!" He struck the ground again and another portal appeared, which he promptly jumped into, it sealed itself after him.

Then, one by one, the group filed into their own portal. Marie and Gimli were once again the final ones left, as they had been on the very start of this journey. She smiled and kissed him on his bearded cheek. Then they both lept into the portal and were gone from Oz.


	47. While you're waiting

Only three more chapters to go, guys!

Snape; That's a true cause for celebration! Break out the party balloons!

Marie; *Shrugs* Sorry, Sevvie, we used all of those for Melda's surprise birthday party.

"I own nothing. Not even balloons."

Marie stood tall..well, as tall as a woman of exactly five feet could. She was finally back in her client Canon. She and all the rest of the Fellowship had breathed a collective sigh of relief. The others seemed comfortable as well, but she knew that wouldn't last. Here they were waiting upon the field of battle for their army to show. It was a kind of nervous silence that left them slightly discomfitted and uncertain, despite their confidence. However, Gandalf was due to arrive any moment now from the other Canons with their warriors in tow.

Jareth stepped forward and placed a hand on her shivering shoulder. "Just a few more minutes." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Todd studied the blades in his hands, turning them over and over. "My friends, there'll be a shave or two today."

Tarrant sipped some tea he'd gotten from goodness knows where and grinned. Then he began to sing. "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. How I wonder where you're at. Up above the world so high, shining like a tea tray in the sky-"

Jack cut him off. "No, mate. A true fight should star' wit' ah rousin' chorus o' sea janties! Nawt some rubbish abou' a tea tray and ba's" He turned to Edward. "Nawt tha' there's anythin' wrong wit' bats, my bloody buddy."

Edward chuckled and his teeth gleamed in the sunlight. Marie glowered at him from her new hiding spot behind Jareth. "In my Canon, vampires do not shape shift into bats..nor any other animal."

Eddie glanced up at them. He was sharpening his scissors. "Is it bad to want to chop up the Sues and Stus into tiny bits?" He asked shyly. They laughed and told him that it was actually a very *good* thing. He just smiled and went back to work.

turned to Marie. "SO I've heard you have an excellent recipe for Sue-and-Stu Stew. Do you think it would make a nice pie filling?"

"Oh, absolutely." Marie replied with an evil, indulgent smirk. "We'll just have Todd and Eddie prepare them for us and we'll be all set!"

Willy pinched his nose and stuck out his tongue in disgust. "Ew..who would want to eat that?"

Marie and laughed disturbingly and gave each other conspiratorial winks. "We never said that anyone would eat them volluntarily." giggled.

Marie nodded her agreement. "Indeed, we actually plan on shoving them down the throats of the authors who created them."

Snape appeared beside her, his robes billowing dramatically out and around him as per usual. "Isn't that a splendid idea? Really, if the two of you had been enrolled in Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat would have sent you straight to me. " He continued silkily. "After all, Slytherin could always do with more cunning, conniving members."

Marie shook her head somewhat sadly. "No, I'm afraid I'm too nice to be a Slytherin. After all, we're only feeding the creators what they made themselves...we could have made them choke on it."

"True." He glanced at the top of her head."Pray tell me what that thing is doing on the top of your head?"

She fingered the purple bow in her hair. "You don't like it? Gimli told me it was cute."

Jareth snorted. "My dear, Gimli would think you were cute if you painted orange spots all over your body and your only covering was an oak leaf. He's head-over-heels for you."

Snape circled her. She bit her lip and craned her neck up to look him in the eye. "You would like it if it were silver and green." She challanged with a glint in her eye.

"I don't think I would."

"Wanna bet?"

Snape reached into one of the pockets in his robes."Not particularly, but how much?"

"Two galleons says you will."

"Deal. Though Heaven knows what you would do with a couple of galleons, anyway." He grumbled.

"I would have Gimli make them into earrings."

His eyes widened. "Why? You don't even have pierced ears!"

"To bother the heck out of you." She answered, laughing at his ire.

"Why not a necklace?!" Thundered Snape. "It makes no sense! At least get your damn ears pierced, for Merlin's sake!" He pressed his fingers to his temples. "Never mind." He growled. "I hope you realize that you're nearly as annoying as a Sue."

Her jaw dropped. "I'm not that bad!" She turned to Jareth. "Am I?"

"Yes..you kinda are." He admitted, but quickly added. "But that's why we love you! You're annoying in an endearing way...like Spongebob!"

Marie just stood there for a moment, then whipped out her cell phone and started pressing buttons rapidly. jareth leaned in to see. "What are you doing?" He asked nervously.

"I'm taking you out of my Fave Five!" She replied tearfully, shutting the phone.

"What? Why?!"

"You compared me to a talking, yellow sponge! Wouldn't you be offended? And not just any talking, yellow sponge. It has to be one that goes-" She did an impersonation of the Spongebob laugh. Many who heard her winced..the weaker ones cried out for their mommies.

Tarrant shook his head at them. "You are all mad."

"Like you have any room to talk!" Snapped Snape, to whom Marie had come for comfort. He wasn't much help. He held her at arm's length and patted her head in a half-hearted attempt to soothe her.


	48. Here Come The Sues Funeral March

The chapters are counting themselves down. Only two more left, my wonderful readers and lovely reviewers! Oh, I must remind you that neither do I own Shakespeare or Tolkien or any other characters or places. The only things I own are Marie and my hilarious plot. :)

A monsterous sound akin to a thunderclap drowned out the madman's reply. Oompa-Loompas appeared in swarms, waves of pirates came onto the scene, a legion of white knights rode out on ivory steeds, goblins joined the party, and the Adamses waved and the Cullens fought their way through the dense crowd to their respective family members. A massive amount of Elves from El Rond's Arda-that-wasn't stepped gracefully from the large portal and the Dwarves rushed out singing Christina Aguilara.

The whole group began talking at once and, when Gandalf appeared, his attempt to be heard over the uproar was in vain. Dumbledore cleared his throat and tapped that Maia on the shoulder, as if asking for permission to take charge, which Gandalf gave gratefully. "QUIET!" Shouted Dumbledore at the noisy crowd. Instantaneous silence inevitably commenced.

"Now that is what I call crowd control!" Marie bounded up to both of the older men and hugged them tightly. "I missed you two!" She said, though her words were slightly muffled by their beards.

"Nice to see you again, Marie." Dumbledore said cordially, lifting her hand to his lips. "A pleasure, as always."

Gandalf nudged the other wizard. "Now, now, you old flirt. She belongs to a Dwarf Lord."

Marie sighed happily and cast a predatorial look at Gimli. "Oh yes I do." She rubbed her hands together gleefully. "And once I have him where I want him, you guys won't see either of us for *days*!"

"That is not something we wished to know." Snape made a face. "You have now put an image into my head that would crack a pensieve. Congradulations."

"I'm not responsible for whatever images your lewd mind conjures up, Severus." Marie smiled once more at the two gentlemen and then took her leave.

"Severus," Dumbledore's eyes were about to twinkle right out of their sockets. "Have you been behaving on your mission?"

"You make me sound as if I am a toddler." Snape answered indignantly, his feathers had been ruffled. "Which, if I may remind you, I am no longer confined to nappies."

"That's not what Poppy said." Dumbledore deadpanned. Snape fumed, his face actually getting some color and one would wonder rather you might get to see smoke come out of his ears. The Headmaster laughed merrily and put his hand on his employee's arm. "Calm down, Severus, or as the young ones say today; take a chill pill, dawg. Why you gotta be so negative, homie?"

"Aaah.." Gandalf sniggered. "I think it would be best if you did *not* try to speak the newest form of slang, Albus. It truly doesn't suit you."

"Oh well, so be it...Lemon drop?" Offered popped one into his own mouth and hummed contentedly.

Gandalf blushed. "You'll have to forgive him. We stopped by the pub before we came."

Snape shook his head, while Jareth, who had seen everything, collapsed in laughter. "We have a drunk Headmaster, a skunk-haired murderer, a half-mad Hatter, a lunatic postmistress, demon spawn, a pyrokinetic, a frog-man, vegetarian vampires, a macbre family, a disco-era sex-crazed British spy, singing Dwarves, non-singing Dwarves, thousands of Munchkins and twice as many Oompa-Loompas...Merlin, strike me where I stand." Just as he said that, a rock came and bonked him on his noggin.

"Sorry!" Came a nasely voice. Gollum crawled up to the dazed professor. "We thoughts its was a nasty orcses. Now we knows its was just ugly man."

"Your grammer hurts my ears." Snape snarled. "The proper way to say that is; I apologize, I presumed that you were a despicable orc."

Gollum slinked away, muttering under its breath. "Nasty man tells us to goes away, precious. Nasty man, mean man it is. Yes, yes! We kills him first, then we takes his noses for ourselves!"

"When did Snape grow a second nose?" Marie asked Jareth. She was on her way back over and had heard Gollum's mutterings. "Wasn't one bad enough?"

Snape glared at her and struggled to return to his feet. "I DO NOT, nor will I EVER have a second nose." He proclaimed. "And I would thank you to stop talking as I now have a prominent headache."

"QUIET!" Dumbledore thundered a second time. He smiled, though his eyes looked a bit glazed. "It is now time for Aragorn to rile you all up and get you in the spirit of battle!" He tried to push Aragorn in front of him, but King Elessar resisted. Dumbledore asked frustratedly why Aragorn wouldn't do it.

"To be honest, he acts as if they creep him out." Marie suddenly appeared.

"Marie!" Aragorn grabbed her arm and thrust her forward. "Just the girl I needed. Go out there and get them in the fighting mood!"

"You want me to start a Pep Rally?" They nodded, so she shrugged. "Alright." Turning to the army, she bowed and smiled. "You won't know who I'm talking about when I say that I admire Shakespeare, but I will quote him anyhow because he's awesomesauce on the icecream of the world." She coughed to clear her throat and recited.  
"'Cowards die many times before their deaths;  
The valiant never taste of death but once.  
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,  
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;  
Seeing that death, a necessary end,  
Will come when it will come.'" She grinned. "I think that about summs my opinion on the matter." She waited for their reaction with patience.

They all stood silent for a moment, then slowly a cheer began to build, until nearly everyone was shouting at the top of their voices.

Just then, the sky darkened and a sickeningly sweet perfume thickened the air. Jaw-droppingly beautiful voices were heard on the wind. Aragorn gritted his teeth. "The Sues are coming."


	49. GURTH NI SUES!

Second to last chapter people!

Gimli; I enjoyed the last part.

"I knew you would." *Beams at audience* "I own nothing!"

-

When they would look back on this, they would all joke about how comical the Sues and Stues looked when they rode into battle on silver or golden horses with their angel wings shedding feathers into the wind and their multi-colored eyes casting sparks of light.

But at the moment, none of them were gripped their own Swords of Sue Slaying tightly in anticipation. Feanor had spent the whole time that they were off on that mission making thousands of versions of the Sword. Their faces were set with determination and disgust. A war cry went up in Elvish. "Gurth `ni Sues! Gurth `ni Sues!"

And then they charged. Full out war raged between the vile, vomit-inducing Sues and those whom they wished to abduct and have babies with. It was...quite a *unique* battle.

Thackory was jumping around and slamming Teapots of Sue Slaying on Sues' heads, while Hatter was weilding an actual Sword of Sue Slaying to get his out of the way. Jack and his 'scurvy dogs' were carrying on like they would at an out-of-control party in Tortuga, not that it was an unexpected move on his part. Though the repetitive choruses of 'Fifteen men on a dead man's chest' did seem to be overkill.

The Oompa-Loompas and Munchkins were tiny and had only Daggers of Sue Slaying, but, like the Hobbits, they were underestimated and their sheer numbers overwhelmed many of the enemy.

Even the Sues that had powers were not much of a match for Mistofelees and his lightening. He blasted the Sues to distract them so that Aragorn could destroy them. The teamwork worked out well.

Snape had discovered that he could use his powers in this Canon, so he was Sectum Sempra-ing every Sue in sight. Though that did little good because the..ahem..*witches*.. just reformed. But it did stop them from moving around for a while, so it made them easier prey for the others.

Eddie had his blades changed by Feanor to ones that would masacre Sues with a single well-placed snip. And was giving many Stues a close shave with his up-graded razors. The two of them worked back-to-back.

Gimli, Legolas and Marie were in the midst of it all. Grinning, Gimli called out to Legolas. "That's seventy-six, Legolas!"

Marie smiled when she heard Legolas shout back. "One hundred, Gimli!"

Gimli shook his head. "I won't let an Elf get the best of me!" With that, he took his modified axe and chopped up the nearest Sue. "HAH! DIE!" He grinned in triumph.

"That's my Dwarf!" Marie crowed proudly, then she hacked a Stu into sections. She looked down at him thoughtfully. "Now, would he go best with peas or carrots?"

Legolas showed up next to her. "You may contemplate recipes later, Marie. Just keep fighting!" He bashed a Sue as he spoke.

"With pleasure." She replied, and went back to work.

The outcome was looking favorable for them..that is, it was until the ground began to shake. Marie lost her footing and stumbled back into Gimli, who kept her from falling. "Was that another Elemental Sue?" Legolas asked worriedly.

She shook her head. "No, those are all being occupied by Mister Mistofelees. That had to be something else, but what could possibly-" She looked up when they heard the roar.

It was huge. It was fluffy and it's eyes glowed red. "That's strange." Legolas said as cooly as if he were inspecting a particularly interesting bug. "I didn't know they had giant rabid Plot Bunnies."

"LEGOLAS!" Aragorn shouted. "YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

The Elf nodded and sprinted forward. He shot Sues down whenever they got in his way and started to climb the rabid Plot Bunny by using tufts of fur as handholds. The thing shook itself, trying to get free, but all it succeeded in doing was throwing its riders to the ground. Legolas got up to its back and fired arrows into its head, causing it to faulter and stumble clumsily into the other Plot Bunny that had appeared and crush it beneath its weight.

Gimli stomped as Legolas jumped down from the lumps of fur, which then shrank and shrank until there was nothing left. "I still say that only counts as one!" He huffed.

They glanced around the battlefield. There were still quite a few Sues still kicking, but the Canons clearly had the advantage again now that the rabid Plot Bunnies were gone. Marie sighed wearily. "It's going to be a long day." They didn't disagree.

The Canons cheered as Aragorn struck down the last Sue. They had won! Aragorn shoulders slumped tiredly, but he managed a bright grin.

"We should go look and see if we suffered any casualties." Marie suggested, she pointed to an Elf she recognized as from being from El Rond's Arda. "Like him."

El Rond shook his head. "Oh, no. He's not dead. He's just sleeping. That's my most trusted advisor, 'Rester. He's always sleeping on the job."

"And where's Lego-las?" Marie asked. "You know..Legolas's twin?"

"Oh,...he was blasted to pieces. They're trying to rebuild him, but putting all those Legos back in the right place is tough work. He might end up with an eye on his leg!" El Rond chuckled. "But he'll be fine. Other than him, I don't know of any others who were hurt."

That was when Snape dragged himself up to them. His face was covered in red lipstick kissy marks and he was holding his hand to a scratch that probably been made by an excessively long fingernail, judging by the chips of nail polish. "They tried.." He shuddered. "They tried to use my nose for..indescribable things...it was terrible." Then he collapsed.

"Yeaaaah...he's probably going to need therapy." Marie said, biting her lip. "I wonder what they tried to use his nose for?"

"Best not to dwell on it." Aragorn said quickly.

And then came Austin. His suit was torn and his glasses were askew. His face was covered in similar marks as Severus', but the color was hot pink. There was a deep laceration above his left eye and his other was blackened. "That was NOT groovey." He mumbled before fainting.

Was it wrong for them to laugh? Doesn't matter, they did anyway.

It was a good thing that they had some excellent medics on staff. Everyone who had an injury was taken care of and even Lego-las was finally set to rights, though for some reason he now had a mustache.

For those who had teeth knocked out, Willy Wonka's father was called on for help. And for the ones with injuries sustained through magical Sues, Madam Pomfrey was happy to lend her service.

Although, the battle had turned out pretty well despite all of that, the original representatives stood before one another with forced smiles on their faces. Even Hatter was solumn, his orange hair drooping a tiny bit and his electric green eyes had dulled.

Marie blinked back tears. "So, I guess we're done. You can all go back to your own Canons now."

Jack sighed. "I'll miss ya, luv." He toyed with his hat, which he held in his hands. "Well, tha' ain' entirely true. Fac' is..I'll miss all o' ya."

Snape swallowed some of his pride. "I'm not good with..feelings..but, despite what I may have said before, you lot are probably the some of the least idiotic poeple I know."

Soon, everyone had said their goodbyes and Gandalf had set up portals to take them home. Marie was suddenly struck by an idea, as she sometimes was, and stopped them all. "What if we all get together once a year, every year? We could have the reunion in a different Canon every time, and we could go in the order that we went in before." They smiled at the concept and eagerly agreed. It was something to look forward to.

Once everyone had dispersed and the only ones left were the Fellowship and Marie, they all began the walk back to Aragorn's home. Which, fortunately, was not too damaged by the long-ago battalion of Sues. The guards saluted their king and opened the battered wooden doors to let them back inside.

A few days later, Gimli finished his present for Marie and gave it to her on her birthday. She was elated and, after the party was over, niether of them were seen for a week. It was a fact that, when they did resurface, both were wearing matching silver bands enscribed with Dwarven runes. It was a happy ending for all of them.

AN3/

Elvish;  
Gurth `ni Sues = Death to the Sues


	50. One Year Later

This is the end of it, my loyal readers. It took me three months to write this almost two years ago. Now I am diligently working on the sequel, which should be up within the next month or so. It is called You've Got Fanmail 2: The Hunt for Marie, and right now I have only nine chapters to go in order to finish it up. I hope you liked this one well enough to continue reading that one and perhaps (if I get to it) a third installment. Please, enjoy the epilogue.

I own nothing and will never make any money off of this.

Marie wove her way through everyone, trying not to spill the food on the tray she was carrying. Willy had decided to hold a chocolate party for all of those who had participated in The War of the Sues. So naturally, they were in the middle of the Chocolate Room.

Everyone was sipping mugs of hot chocolate and recalling their fondest memories. Marie stopped by the table and unloaded the strands of Laffy Taffy, Scrumdidlyumptious bars, and refilled their hot chocolates. When she was done, she sat down by her favorite Dwarf and started to eat her candy.

Snape sat across from her, making snide remarks as always. She just smiled and said. "I bet you only act that way because you're trying to hide a sensitive heart." Snape looked as though he'd been bulldozed, but she hardly noticed and just went on talking. "And all it's like that time when I was afraid back in Eddies' Canon, you try to encourage with discouraging words. It sounds complicated, but if you really concentrate-" She stopped when she realized Snape had fallen apart.

Literally, Snape had fallen apart. His lips were somewhere off to the side, one of his ears had dropped into his hot chocolate and his eyes were slowly sliding down his face. "You fool!" Snape's lips proclaimed from their spot on the candy grass. "You've picked me apart like some kind of shrink! Now look what you've done!"

"Errrmmm.." She gave a puzzled look. "Is there anything I can do to reverse this?"

"Call me a greasy dungeon bat! Insult me! Be superficial!" The Snape-lips begged.

"Uhh..how're things in your dungeon Snivelous?" His lips flew back to his face and he sneered at her. "Your hair is greasier than motor oil." His eyes were re-aligned. "Your robes make you look like a vampire bat." With that last insult, he was back together and glaring menacingly at her. "Can I keep going?" She asked, giggling like a madwoman. "This is fun!"

"No! You may not!"

"Can I tease you about being abducted by flying monkeys?" She smirked, that was still a sore topic. "Or perhaps about whatever those Sues tried to do with your nose.."

Snape paled. "Don't remind me of that, if you value your life."

"You never did tell us what they did, Severus." Aragorn popped out of nowhere.

"And I never intend to." Growled the sour professor.

Willy appeared, waving his cane happily around in the air. "Time for the best part of the reunion! The Ferry Ride!"

And they all watched as a gigantic, pink, hard-candy boat shaped like a seahorse docked. Willy shooed them all into it and then hopped in himself. He took his seat in the very back with Gimli and Marie.

They started out slowly enough, but as they gained speed, the guests began to grow uneasy. The tunnel was terribly dark and the slow pace was foregone and they were slung through twists and turns. Legolas screamed like he'd seen a Balrog and held tight to Snape's arm, much to the amusement of Aragorn. The chocolate rapids just seemed to go faster and faster and faster until...

They stopped and there was only a blank wall at the end of the tunnel. "What's the meaning of this?" Snape demanded. He pried poor Legolas off his arm and scooted as far away as was possible.

"Oh, the Ferry only goes one way, the Oompa-Loompas will have to turn around and row us back." One of the Oompa-Loompas motioned at Wonka, who seemed nervous and laughed a little. "Ahhh.. change of plans, everyone. It seems that they're too tired to row us back."

"Well, what are we going to do now?"

Willy twisted the head of his cane in his handss. "We'll have to swim back."

Everyone groaned when Snape turned to Marie and glared. "I TOLD you she was a bad luck charm!"


End file.
